Secret War Journal[2011][Long Post]
Ah, the last days of 2011 approaches.
What does it mean? It means that it is time to bid our good-byes.
This year, I decided that I shall call it the Year of Friendship.
Indeed, my friends. This year is dedicated to all who I deem as friends. There aren’t many, I know but know that each of you count. Numbers mean nothing to me.
After all, there is no point in claiming many as friends when you know at the back of your head that they are plotting your downfall.
Why this year, you may ask.
This year had been hella tough year. Family was not of much help (as usual). Of course, tolerating certain people also did not help much but I am glad that you people were there for me.
Some days when the days are cloudy and dark, you provide light to show me the way.
Some days when the days are bursting with tears, you provide shelter from its pounding droplets.
Some days when the days are beaming with sunlight, you would be there to bask in it.
In short, thank you for being there for me. :)
--
"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." - Pam Brown
--
Of special mention are the following people:
1. Johnston
Thank you, my best friend. For being there, when I feel down. For being there, when I feel sick and tired of humanity. For being there, when I feel that there is no point in staying in this place. For being there, when I am at a loss of what to do next.
Thank you for making the effort to re-connect me to the world when I lost touch to the outside world.
2. Emelia
Your cheerful self reminded me of my past, in a good way. I am happy that despite having fewer opportunities to meet up in person, we were still able to keep in contact via new media. :) Your efforts in making those cards and greetings did not go unnoticed. Thank you! ;)
3. Marcus and Keller
Thank you both for setting aside time to go out with me for varying reasons. I do acknowledge that it takes some effort and patience to allocate a portion of your free time to go out. Unfortunately, you two sometimes became targets of wicked tongue when we meet because I am often in a foul mood this year. I’m sorry and can only hope for your understanding. I really appreciate how the both of you tolerated shit from me and kept our friendship alive. Thank you.
Keller and I should remain in contact either via Facebook or via mobile. :)
4. Qi Xiang and Meldon
My bubbly friend, Qi Xiang who had, perhaps ironically, made the best group of friends during his two year in Junior College between Keller, him and I. Sometimes, I envy his life though most of the time I wonder why (often ending up in much hilarious results)
Meldon, Qi Xiang and I actually have some common interests which I believe had ensured hours of talking (which may had distracted our studies slightly this year)
Still, it was fun talking to them and I really enjoyed the conversations a lot. Not to mention, the laughter coming from those. ;)
--
I’m not really sure why but somehow I felt that staying in touch with everyone could start to prove to be difficult. Here’s my analysis on who I would likely to stay in touch after this year: (maybe you would notice a trend…)
Primary School Friends:
Johnston – I’m sure we would remain in contact after all these ordeals. :)
Emelia – Similarly, I doubt we will lose contact. :)
Marcus – Based on past experience, I believe Marcus will also take effort to stay in contact. :)
Jia Xin – Staying in touch with her may prove to be difficult in the coming years since there is little opportunity to meet up. However, I like how we are open to the idea of planning meet-ups. ;)
?? ??? – Highly unlikely to meet you again. Sigh. Promises are just too powerful.
Secondary School Friends:
Keller – I have faith that he would take the effort to stay in touch but who knows what may happen in the future? Worse case scenarios, there’s always Facebook :S
Qi Xiang – Meeting up with him always had been hard. Hahas! At least we still can contact each other via Facebook (unless Facebook goes into a downturn, oh no!)
Cynthia – Kind of surprised hearing her coming with a plan to meet up with the rest of the group which I guess warrants her name being placed here. Not bad, much improvement on her part. :p We shall see how much she is determined to get it going. It is not going to be easy, but I think she needs the experience.
Siew Yan – She and I discussed about possible meetups in the future. I’m not really sure it was light talk but I’m pretty serious with what I said – Obviously one would prioritise old friends over bunk-mates during the NS period because the opportunity to meet bunk-mates is so much higher during that period anyways. In my opinion, the real challenge, for me, comes after my national service. I think there could be a potential for a conflict of interests then.
Lai Yin – I guess she will make the effort? Strangely enough, her schedule and mine seems to clash a lot. I guess we have differing definitions of free time and work. *Shrug*
Junior College Mates:
Shereen – Ah, my god-daughter of mine. I trust that her constant worry that we lose contact after National Service would be cause enough for us to stay in contact. She is always afraid I would forget her after NS. Hahas, silly girl.
--
"Never have a companion that casts you in the shade." - Baltasar Gracian
And also other things...
2011 was surprising an eventful year. Time to review my wishlist for 2011,
score: 5/8.
Details
here.
Dang, not as well as I had hoped for. Still, I guess it can't be helped.
After all, some matters are really not up to me to decide.
Weekends in 2011 were pretty much devoted to housework and judging by how things go, it would be the same for the next year too. Shucks.
Don't get me wrong, doing housework is okay. Demanding people to do housework EVERY DAY borders on insanity.
Of falsehoods
I decided to pretty much cease writing about my broken family except for really generic stuff that everyone else writes about. The rationale behind is that I realised that those posts are getting quite a number of people worried about me. That is unfortunately not what I want.
So, to have less people getting concerned over such matters, I decided to stop writing about such matters in this journal. Originally, I just write those to calm myself down. I am someone who needs to write some stuff to organise my thoughts else those thoughts would run amok in my brain. (which could make me quite insane at times)
While at one hand I'm saddened by the fact that I had to resort to this on this journal, I guess I would get used to it.
After all, I put on a false front everyday.
--
"A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better." - Stephen Leacock
Changes for the coming spring,
I decided to abolish some formatting styles for my entries for 2012.
Instead of the usual cyan background header in my entries, I should now adapt a
simpler larger font size with bold for my headers (with Georgia), like these in this entry.
I guess most reader would probably exclaim, "Thank goodness, I thought this day would never arrive!"
But I still wish to justify my rationale for using the cyan background for my headers initially. It was to provide for a high level of contrast for easier reading. Of course, at times, that made it look out of place in the entire journal, the harmony of colour seemed broken at some point of time.
Thus, I decided to restore the harmony at the cost of its contrast. Of course, if any of you have a better suggestion, please do tell me and I would consider them.
Another writing technique I am planning to change could be
using Microsoft Office Word to write out my entries from now instead of the native engine available online. I believe Office Word would provide me with more options for formatting and more room for creativity. Of course, this means that the underlying code could potentially become more complicated. (But I guess it is not your problem, to speak of hahas!)
For this post, I used Office Word. I would like to say I really enjoyed typing there, as if typing here is not already a joy! Hahas!
Another advantage in using Office Word would be that I could type my entries even when internet is not available. I am not always at places where there is internet, unfortunately, and that had hindered my efforts to write my entries throughout this year.
Of course, there is also an issue of privacy when I am typing the entries. After all, I am not very comfortable with typing my entries in the presence of people, in general.
What about changing the design of this journal, you say?
Hahas! Sorry, I have no plans to change the current just yet. Let's just say my mood when I decided to use this design is still aligned with how I feel like now. :)
Okay, how about removing that irritating cover post that had been there for months? Sorry again, there was a reason in placing it there as it is. Until there are more reasons to remove than leaving it there, it will remain.
One, I do not want certain people to know this journal is updated and well. Second, it is easier to track who is reading my journal and what post they were reading via the URLs visited.
For some inconvenience, I think the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages thus far. So, no not a chance.
With Love, Leroy
There were, of course, many things that I wished I did not do. Nevertheless, this year was also a year where I felt there was some progress in my long-term goals.
- I am nearer to completing one of my promises.
- I felt the presence of my old self, like finally.
- I met my grandaunt, another recollection of my past.
One day, I will return to my old life and leave this pathetic life that I live now. I am working towards it, watch me.
--
With 2011 coming to a close, I realised there were also quite a number of misses, namely:
- The inability to stay in contact with some people
- Unable to find time to meet up with cousins during weekends which puts me in a bad mood some days because I miss them :(
- The inability to spend time with myself and re-connect to my own world
- The inability to have the time to pursue my goals
- The inability to express myself due to physical constraints
I still sleep with much sorrow each day. This cannot last. Let's hope it ends this year.
What is this sadness that weighs me down? It is of loss. It is of denial. I feel so cold, where is the warmth in this world?
--
"A man who trusts nobody is apt to be the kind of man nobody trusts." - Harold MacMillan
