Life is about...

Sunday, September 23, 2012
Secret War Journal[23 September 2012]

Change
I would be lying if I were to deny this. Things around us are always in flux.I am no different.

The first (official) week in my new camp has just ended. I cannot say I enjoyed my time there.

It is quite a culture shock there. The change is immense. The privileges that we took for granted come crashing on us as it is suddenly taken away from us.

On the bright side, the food there is much nicer. In terms of variety, at least. I hope it lasts. (So this is an example of how funding matters, huh?)

I hope I can adapt to the changes there.

(Did you know the Burger King that we all used to mug at in Raffles City Shopping Mall is no more? It is now replaced by KFC. Guess, it will be always in our memory, how we crazily studied there, having lots of laughter and fun discussing the questions and just chilling, sometimes. Hahas!)

Hope
What is living without hope?

Despite the harsh awakening to the changes in the environment of where I mostly sleep in now, there are still things to be happy about.

It is often through tough times that we can relate to it after the whole ideal. Perhaps we could even smile on how far we achieved from persevering.

Not to mention, my best friend, Johnston who helped me to stabilise my mentality. I think I would had gone insane (like dangerously insane, not insane in a hilarious manner) from all negative thoughts in my  head.

Meeting Qi Xiang and Meldon just to chill and unwind also helped a lot.

Shereen seems to be her normal cheerful self. Not bad! Hahas! I guess it is important to live your life to the fullest, no matter how bad the situation is. After all, we each have only just one life. Live life to our fullest and have no regrets. =)

Disappointment
Neither am I a stranger to this.

Seriously, who is not expecting conscription to be anything but disappointment anyway?
With hope, comes disappointment.

I had since decided I am not going to care. After all, I am inherently selfish (as do all humans). If they don't care, I would not too. 

Have fun, and adieu.

Irony
Yet we still hope, despite the obvious flaws it has.

Sometimes I wonder we are idiots or not.

An author once said that Friends are meant to be hurt. If you do not know this, you do not know friendship.

Most of us would be appalled by this sentence initially. But think carefully on the sentence, who can really say this is absurd? How many times had you hurt your friends? Whether intentionally or by accident?

Humans are selfish people. No matter how much people may try to deny, the fact that they have friends reveals much. Do they make friends for other's sake or their own?

My friend, I believe the answer is plain enough, I need not elaborate.

We are just hurting each other. Does that make us horrible creatures? Perhaps.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

Comfort Food

Sunday, September 16, 2012
Secret War Journal[16 September 2012]
Ice Cream, a great way to chill!

I just realised I crave for different kinds of food at different moods! =)

When I feel down, I would eat
Wheat Crackers because its bland taste reminds me how alone I am.
Strangely, that brings me comfort. (I must be a sadist)
Of course, I only crave this when I am mildly sad. Hahas!
--
Floss Bread! Always loved Chicken Floss since young! Hahas

Bread always never fail me to cheer me up. In an abstract way, it reminds me of Shana eating melon bread. It makes one forget all troubles and just feel great. ;)



--
Cheese Crackers! A great way to cheer one up!
I like the taste of the salt and cheese in the crackers. I eat this when I feel downcast from being unable to do something I set out to do. (I always was a crazy lover of salt. Hahas!)
Cajun fries! Beats French Fries any other day!
--
Try beat this! French Fries! Complete with more salt!
French fries is definitely a 'feel good' food of mine. I normally would want to eat this when I feel the world is dull. :)
--
The texture and taste is awesome!
Potato Chips - Consumed when I feel moderately stressed. Hence, you would see me devouring this when I am studying. :)
--
Baked Cashew Nuts are my favourite amongst Cashew Nuts =]
Peanuts, the crunchy taste helps me to distress.
Nuts are powerful. I think they are rank #2 in helping me to cheer up (as of posting).

Though, sometimes I over-consume and end up getting a throat infection. Oops. :S
--
Chocolate, or should I say Chocolate wafers? Hahas!
This should not come as a surprise. After all, chocolate are known to make one feel happy. Thus, it is expected for this to be ranked #1 in the list. ;)

When I feel exhausted after working out, I would drink
Sweet drinks!
People will gun for isotonic drinks but I don't really mind as long as it is sweet. I need the sugar! Hahas!

Of course, Chinese Cuisine, more specifically, Teochew and Fujian cuisine, never fails to brighten my day! ^^


Time for lunch! See ya! :D Oh here's a happy song for you guys! ;)

Gunnery origins

Thursday, September 13, 2012
Secret War Journal[12 September 2012]
Life sure is amusing sometimes.

I am now one quarter done with my term as a conscript for the nation. With the completion of my Foundation Term last week, I had also reviewed my Wishlist for it. From the looks of it, it is actually quite disappointing. :(

Despite the fun I had during my time there, I was not able to achieve much of my personal goals. I guess a balance had to be struck, huh? To have fun, one must sacrifice achievement. Of course, in certain cases it is possible for both to co-exist but one have to admit that certain things require sacrifices.

So where am I headed to now? Having deflected a job offer to be a lone wolf, I am now a member of the group who are responsible for raining death on the battleground.
To be frank with you, I do not really have any idea what to expect from this new course. Despite the briefing I had today this morning, I left the place not knowing any more than when I enter. The main reason is due to the fact that they had not published the timetable and even if they did, they would only release two weeks' worth of it. How agonising is that?! Argh, that does make my blood boil.

(I certainly hope they realise that people cannot really buy into your ideology when you give so little information about it.)

Nevertheless, however sad the conditions the place there is right now (let's not talk about it), I am on this ship now. No point trying to sink it when it would cause my downfall too, I rather see it port safely at the end of its journey.

As aforementioned, since I do not have much information, I guess I will not come up with a list of goals for it just yet. Not until I know about it, anyways.

What I do know is that there would be more physically demanding lessons to be overcome. Goodness gracious, I wonder how I am going to survive all this...


On an another note, after coming out of my new camp, I met up with Keller for a quick catch-up. He just came back from overseas for his exercise and would be going for another soon. Boy, his life sure is packed!

I went to try out the Pepperlunch at Compass Point. It was definitely a new experience though I still feel a bit awkward watching them prepare the food in front of me. I cannot help but feel cheated. I mean that's it?! Man, I thought the preparation was more sophisticated. Hahas!

Gary came to join us later on. (Hmm, more like we join him later but details details... tsk tsk.) Apparently, he is in the same field as me but I could had sworn I never see him this morning. Dang, I must be dazed the whole day! (Maybe that explains why I feel as though I learnt nothing today. :O)

Lastly, guess what? I bought a Samsung Galaxy S3 travel charger. Best part? I don't own a Samsung Galaxy S3. I would bet many people would start screaming Then why the heck you bought one?! Unfortunately, their charger is the only non-usb charger for Android phones which is the only kind accepted in army installations. It costs a bomb too T.T (so this is what the allowance are for...)

On the civilian side, examinations are coming... mid-term tests, preliminary tests, A levels. It would be quite quiet on my side for a while, having no one to talk to since almost all my close friends are studying... male or female... Either they are pursuing degrees, diplomas, A levels or overseas.

Guess the next few month would be tough. Regardless, I shall survive!

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Aristotle Onassis

War among myself

Monday, September 10, 2012
Secret War Journal[10 September 2012]
Hahas, I had been feeling angsty lately. So many emotions flooding in, finally after my long stasis due to army life.

What does this mean? This means it is time for me to write a post, to release these emotions. Even reading past posts of this nature helps me to unwind. Such is the power of my own writing on myself. Fragments of myself, shattered to allow me peace.

I had been being feeling rather insecure for the past 2 days, ever since I went home from dinner with my close friends. It is so bad, I feel like running away from everything.

I probably not getting brownie points from my family for not doing anything much at home. (I lost all mood to do anything, I just want to lie there...) For this moment, I hope they forgive me... just let me be because I feel as though I lost my motivation. For the common people, it is probably not life threatening.
But for a short moment, I lost the will to live.

To me, that was dangerous. My past continues to haunt me... It is like a shadow, I cannot run away from it. I guess the only way is to face it.
But I have been facing it everyday! It is plain as day to me every day!

Hope is disease.

I know that! But I need to hold on to something, something to prevent the further deteriorating of my soul.

Gods know how much I had been through...

In this world, there are probably many others like me who had been through those horrible moments. That brought little comfort to me. There is too much grief in this world.
--
What if one day, everything changed? What if, you wake up to find everything foreign? Sometimes we takes things for granted.
And I admit I do. That is why I am afraid. Would I rue the day I lose something, only to find it of value? I would certainly regret its loss. I would hate myself for allowing it to be gone. Why did I not put more effort to prevent its destruction?

Would I be able to live with that revelation?

Just how much more damage can I take before I lose it totally? All the insecurity due to the fact that I do not really know. That uncertainty breeds this feeling, because it lifts the stake. I fear failure not because I do not wish to appear weak. Rather, I fear its consequences...



"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." - Pam Brown

(Source: Kokoro Connect Episode 10; Credits: Randomc.net)

It was not my war then.

I realised that I am sort of the opposite person of who I was ten years ago. I used to be extremely impulsive, driven by my emotions. I used to be more carefree. I used to be more cheerful. As some would also say, I used to act more like a spoiled child.

Everything changed since my mother's death. The very thought makes me want to hug myself tightly because I feel so very cold. It is a reminder. A reminder that I am alone here. Ten years down the road, how many new friends had I made? Compare it to my other me.

But it is now my war.

Now, I exercise more restraint in my actions.
Now, I would rather be accused of being indecisive rather than make impulsive actions.
Now, I contain more of my thoughts within me.
Now, I find myself harder to laugh as carefree as before.

I lost much fighting this war.

Ten years since, I am still as alone as I ever was right after my mother's death.
Just how much really changed? My family is forever shattered. No amount can ever restore it to its former glory, its former warmth. Nothing I do, nothing my family do will help it piece itself together.

A mirror that had been shattered can never be placed back as one piece, like its former self. After all, what is broken can never be restored its original state. This is the same thing as trust.

I cannot back off now, not after committing so much into this war.

I used to trust freely. After that incident, I found it difficult to trust people. Some of my close friends might had realised it. It is probably the reason why I find it harder to make friends. After all, they are turned off by the fact that I do not trust them. It hurts them. In that, I am a heartless person because in the act of not wanting to get hurt, I hurt others instead...

Truly, how far had I fallen? Perhaps it is known unto God only.

Thus begins my recording of my struggles in my own war...
Thus was this Journal birthed,
From one's despair,
From one's hope,
Let this Journal live to tell the tale of a King who was slowly losing himself.

Soup Restaurant

Saturday, September 8, 2012
Secret War Journal[8 September 2012]
Soup Restaruant 08092012
We (Marcus, Johnston, and I) had not met up since University started. Taking full advantage of the short leave I had from my recent graduation from Foundation Term, we met up at Nex Shopping Mall to have a great dinner.
--
But before that, it is time for me to meet up with Meldon and Qi Xiang for lunch at Ajisen Ramen!

But honestly, I seem to be eating Ajisen once monthly. Heck, I just dine there with Cynthia last month?

If I knew, I would had kept the card that Ajisen Ramen kept giving me...

I just tried the White Fish ala-carte. Okay, I tried that the last time I ate at Ajisen through the recommendation of someone but hey! I ordered it this time. Ha~!

It was a lot of fun when we shared what good reads are there. It was funny when Qi Xiang got overwhelmed by two epic fantasy series: A song of Ice and Fire and the Malazan Book of the Fallen. Personally, I, too, cannot believe we spent so much time at the Library reading Foxtrot comics. Hahas!
--
Back to Soup Restaurant. :)
I am almost twenty years old and this is actually my first time trying Soup Restaurant. (Hmm, that made me sound as though I am deprived. :O)

Basically, it is a Chinese cuisine restaurant. I know a lot of Singaporean of my age generally got sick of Chinese cuisine already but I am actually the opposite. (As usual, hahas. I must be born at the wrong year)
I had been eating so many Japanese (+a bit of Thai and Korean) and Western cuisine that I actually find myself missing Chinese cuisine. I guess my heritage makes me wanting more of Chinese Cuisine. It is more likely to leave me feeling more satisfied after a meal. I am not really sure why myself, perhaps it is just ancient instincts.

Soup Restaruant 08092012

Seating down, we ordered a set meant for the three of us. It includes a plate of sliced chicken with cabbage, minced meat with soy sauce, claypot tofu, vegetables and pork ribs with corn and red carrot soup. Along with these, are free flow of white chrysanthemum tea.  =)
 
Enough talk, let's eat! I have a 4 course meal + soup in front of me!!! *Readies chopsticks*

(Hahas, I was joking. I had obviously finished my meal. :P

Throughout the meal, we talked about the recent games that we had been playing and planning to play. Sims 3, Dragon Nest and D.C. Universe Online.

We went on to talk about University/Academic life thus far. I even asked Johnston for some medical advice since I suffered from some ailments since entering army, of which I had no time (or maybe just plain too lazy, hahas?) to consult a proper doctor. I had not told anyone. I guess it is appropriate that my best friend knows about it first. :) Marcus left to settle the bill then, I guess God doesn't want him to know, I accept His decision.

Marcus is now studying Psychology. I really learnt some cool stuff from him on our way home. In fact, I learnt some shocking theories. I hope I learn more of these interesting snippets of it! ^^

Sigh, how I wish I have something to share too... Everyone is learning new things...)
--
Observers (if you could be there) would realise that we all hardly talk about army life. There are many several reasons for it:
  1. Things about army are generally classified, we cannot talk about it in public.
  2. Not everyone goes through army and thus would feel left out. (Applies to Qi Xiang and Marcus to a certain extent; besides Johnston is now officially a civilian)
  3. Army does not really warrant that much of an attention as a conversation topic. I mean really? There are more interesting things to talk about! :)

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

24 ≠ 24

Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Secret War Journal[5 September 2012]

I had just completed my second 24km route march! It sure completed quite late this time. I guess it was due to a lack of practice since my graduation from my basic military training 2 months ago.

So it is now around 6am in the morning the day after we started the route march. I guess it is about time for breakfast so I would only sleep after breakfast? Sigh, I cannot believe that I did not sleep for last night. Woah!

I would admit, though, that the route march was not as painful as the first attempt. This could attributed to several reasons. Firstly, we were not adversely affected by downpours which made abrasions highly likely to occur. Secondly, I am considerably more prepared for the route march, in terms of preventing injuries, than the first one. This is due to the fact that I decided to use lubricants around the joints where abrasions often occure to prevent such incidents from happening during the route march, making the experience quite unbearable near its completion.
--
However, one usual gripe I had regarding the conduct of the route march (as always) would be the fact that it is so difficult to calculate the distance that we had marched. There is suscipions that we had marched around 28km, like the previous time instead of the intended distance. Sigh...
--
P.S: I typed this in pure darkness, it was indeed quite challenging. Though it would seem that I had memorised the positions of the characters on the keyboard. :O Hahas!

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

Foundation Term Fin

Sunday, September 2, 2012
Secret War Journal[2 September 2012]
SCS Foundation Cert

Time passes almost twice as fast since University started for the rest of my peers who do not have to serve the army.

This coming week would be my last week of my Foundation Term, barring anything bad happening to me.

Throughout the entire Foundation term, I had experience new things, granted those are things that I would not try if I had a choice but nevertheless enriching, such as a variety of weapons and simple survival skills. I believe the most important thing to take away from the course would be the ability to be independent to most (though life in army taught me little of it, God and my parents had taught me well, to the point that army life instead cause me to be less independent...) and life skills on management of people.

Despite that, I cannot hope but feel that conscription had not helped me in anyway. Lift in army had caused me to become even lazier than before, partly due to my fatigue from army (an act I solely hate as I felt as though I wasted my time sleeping and lazing around instead of working on personal projects, improving myself or simply unwind). In addition, it made me spent more (I used to be a spendthrift...). Every month, I stress over how much I need to save and how much I fall short of from my budget. All these add on to unnecessary psychological stress. Which frustrates me, given the fact that I am so used to control. 6 months since enlistment yet I still cannot understand the need for all this. Defending the country, yes but is this necessary? I remain unconvinced. Regimentation instill discipline? Nope, it is proving to cause just the opposite to me.

Hence, while I would say I enjoyed my Foundation Term, I dare say, I learnt nothing much of importance. Life skills, yep but I learnt more from my leadership appointments during my education. Interpersonal skills? Again, there are more opportunities in school than a confined space. Managing stress, I believe the answer is obvious.

Sometimes, I really wonder, why are people emphasing that military life could you teach you so much when it cannot? Just admit it is to defend the nation, no one would blame you. Because it is the truth, do not add 'bonus' to it when it cannot realise those vision to all individuals, leaving them disappointed...

(Update on 3 Sept 2012: Today, we were asked to list down the things we learnt from the entire Term. Curious, given the time, I wonder if they read my post the day before? Hahas, unlikely though there is an remote possibility. 

So, to give this post a little better balance, I would list down some things I had learnt:

  1. I learnt how teamwork really helps to accelerate the speed of getting things done, allowing people to enjoy the process, and improving the efficiency of the work.
  2. Army training reinforced the fact that communications are highly important. Too many times had many of us felt frustrated due to conflicting orders.)


"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." - Albert Einstein
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