Skyfall

Secret War Journal[10 November 2012]
This movie outing was organised quite in a rush. The original plan was to watch last week when it supposedly premièred. However, as my grandmother had been admitted to a hospital, I had to cancel the outing to visit my grandmother.

As a result, I postponed the movie outing to this Saturday. As a consequence, Marcus was not able to make it. Keller had returned to Singapore but he is busy on that day as well. (Awww....)

In addition, I just had a short field camp during the weekdays. I was not able to finalise the details until the day itself as I was close to being knocked out on Friday night.

That was evident by the fact that I missed my stop twice in the train because I fell asleep, causing me to detour twice. Finally, I blocked people from entering the bus because I was first in line and I fell asleep.

Hahas, embarrassing moments of my life. :P

---

One aspect of the movie that I really liked was the way the scriptwriter kept emphasising the theme - Skyfall. From the beginning to the end of the movie, there were many references to the theme. It serves to tell the audience why the movie was named so.

In many ways, this is truly a action-packed movie. More of explain less, more action formula, I would say. I would say the formula for this plot because the plot is not hard for the audience to understand why certain things happen in such a manner. Thus, there was no need for the characters to explain, which would make the movie quite dull indeed.
Removing the lengthy explanations, all that is left would be pure action sequences where you get to see the main character constantly running into obstacles and overcoming them.

Quite surprisingly, this movie deviated from the normal James Bond formula. I must admit that I entered the Cinema expecting a female sidekick/lover shooting with James Bond. All I got was quite different from my expectations. A brief moment with a female character with a random embrace and kiss with virtually no character development. I guess it was their way of saying, "Hey, the usual features of a James Bond movie is still present!" but I am not buying it when the female character felt like an afterthought.

The movie also paid homage to some past James Bond movies which I find was not too bad but certainly not a plot device to be used in future James Bond movie any longer since the effect would be lost.

Finally, what I liked best about the movie was their witty responses which brought smiles to the audience, if not laughter (I am sure)!

The less we get together

Secret War Journal[11 November 2012]

Published on Nov 11, 2012

-- ST ILLUSTRATION: ADAM LEE

By Adeline Chia

In my phone, there is a long-running Whatsapp group chat titled "Sunday woohoo". I created it on April 30 to organise a meeting with a group of friends the following week. The actual meeting transpired a month later, and it wasn't on a Sunday.
More than half a year later, this group chat still exists. It is a way for six people who used to work in the same office to keep in touch. Two of them have since quit the company - one left to pursue a law degree and another to work in the civil service. One friend who is still working as a journalist is now on no-pay leave to spend time with her baby.
"Sunday woohoo" is our own social network. As a place to share news and bad puns, it is on fire. Sometimes, when I am busy conducting an interview or having a meeting, my phone can buzz needily and non-stop against my thigh. When I finally check the overheated phone, there would be a ridiculous number of messages from my friends discussing crucial, earth- shattering issues, such as whether someone looks like a tranny and how to get better skin.
But truth be told, the vast majority of the messages are actually attempts by us to find a day in which we are all free to meet up.
There are thousands of reasons tripping up our group date. Babysitting difficulties. Holidays. The flu. Unpredictable schedules in the office that end anytime from 7pm to midnight.
Because we have an ill-advised "leave no man behind" policy, our rendezvous keeps getting pushed back, receding further and further into the distant future till I'm certain we'll probably meet in the afterlife. Even then, that's not for sure. Some of us may be in heaven and some in hell.
Just as I was starting to forget how my friends' faces look like, we made a ruthless decision: We named a day to meet. Those who can't make it will just have to miss it.
It sounds cruel but it was necessary. The co-ordination attempts were getting preposterous. More than 50 messages will go by, waiting for non-respondents to reply and accumulating more reasons why so-and-so can't do this date. And we still would not have come to a decision.
Gone were the days when we were younger, single, slogging away at the office and leaving together at the end of the day, cursing at the night sky. Yes, our lives were an unhealthy cycle of co-dependence. We probably should have met other people. We were losers. But meeting up was easy, and we met regularly and at short notice.
Now, because life has taken us to different places, scheduling has become like pulling teeth. Harder, actually. Because for our group of friends, fate will have it that when the dentist can make it, the nurse isn't around.
Eventually, four of us made it to dinner on Monday. Like shipwreck survivors, we washed up at our usual haunt, dazed, blinking, surprised to see one another.
We ordered the same food and our old, familiar drink: a bottle of merlot from a company called Fishbone. I always found it a terrible name for a wine, foreboding terrible things happening to your throat. Just one step below Razor Blade or Glass.
The catching up began. The new mother refused to drink the Fishbone. We were almost hurt, like someone has rejected old clothes we didn't want anyway.
"I rarely get to drink because I'm breastfeeding," she explained apologetically. "I'm dying for a glass of white."
I nodded in an understanding manner, until she went on about how she can eat five or six meals a day without putting on weight.
We toasted our meeting, a glass of sauvignon blanc clinking against two glasses of Fishbone clinking against... a mug of latte.
The law student grimaced. "I need to study, I can't drink," he said, adding that he is engaged in competitive mugging with his younger schoolmates. In which case, I thought, your drink is too weakly caffeinated.
About one hour in, one of us stood up to leave. A church event. "I'll be done in an hour, Whatsapp if you guys are still hanging out," he said.
The survivors clung on a little longer, sharing more stories from our vast expanse of time apart. This must be what long-lost siblings feel like when they are reconciled.
I regaled them with my recent trip to London and Edinburgh. "On the way back, a woman next to me puked and passed out on the plane. For a while, I had to sit on the folding chairs meant for the crew. Facing everyone else. When I went back to my seat, the air stewardess gave me a gigantic mask. For the last five hours of the ride, I didn't sleep..."
"I've got to go study," the law student said.
"...I simply breathed into the mask and created condensation against my face."
I yawned into my elbow. "Okay. You're right. Let's go. I'm jetlagged."
We left at 9.30pm. I showered and went straight to bed. The next day, my phone was alive with hope, crammed with messages of how nice it was to finally catch up.
"Maybe we should fix a date every month to meet up," said one of the absentees. "Like the 15th."
"Like Taoist rites?" I typed.
"How about this Friday?" she said.
"Oh, I've got a family dinner.
"I need to study."
"I've got to review a play."
chiahta@sph.com.sg
facebook.com/chiahta

How true is that?

Storm of Sand

Secret War Journal[3 November 2012]
Today, I just attended a gathering with my army friends that I had made during my initial enlistment period.

 I think it had been close to 4 months since I last met some of them. I would say that apart from the length of their hair, they hardly changed. Hahas!

Even though not all of us could make it for the gathering, there was still a good number of us who managed to make it. (Cannot blame anyone since it is truly very difficult to get everyone to be present for such a big number of people. I feel your pain, organiser!)

---

St. Games

For this cohesion gathering, we came to a video game cafe named St. Games @ the Cathay.

To be frank with you guys, this is my first time coming to this Cafe. My initial thoughts when I first reached the place was that the cafe looked as though it did not have enough space. In the past, you would not had required a lot of space to set up a cafe that allows customers to play video games. You probably just need to get a decent monitor and a couch for them to sit comfortably in.

Now, times had changed. Consoles now possess motion gaming capabilities. Technologies such as Xbox Kinect and Wii means that players need more space for us to move about. Thus, we certainly need more room for console gaming.

In addition, players are no longer satisfied with normal screen size. If I were to pay to play console games outside (rather than playing at home), I would expect the screen size to be much larger to improve my gaming experience. Sadly, I found the screen sizes in the cafe quite average, nothing special. It is not small, I would say it is decent but definitely not a plus point for gamers to come play instead of playing at home with their friends.

Another point to note would be the high charges for the usage of the cafe which one of my friend pointed out that it was not really value-for-money for short periods of gameplay. I cannot disagree on that.

In its defense, I really like their free flow of a great variety of drinks. :)
--
Just Dance 4

One of the new games I played there was Just Dance 4! It is a Xbox Kinect game which support 4 players.

Comparing to Dance Central, I would say it supports more players? (I don't know about Dance Central 3 because I had not played that yet, hahas!) That is a plus point for Just Dance 4 because it is a in better footing for party games where 4 of us could play together in a dancing battle.

However, I soon realised thata lot of space is really required for a great gaming experience. For such a game, the room we were in was actually considered relatively small. (Dang, Kinect just have to need so much space!) There were moments when not all of us could be identified in the game as there was insufficient space for all of us  to stand in. Not to mention the hilarious moments when some of us swooped places in the game as they detected erroneously that the original player 2 was player 3 and vice versa. This could be a technical limitation of the Kinect though, not the game I believe.

Just Dance 4 lost in terms of its graphics. It is just too 2D (I believe it was the intention but sometimes I cannot stand it, hahas!) Dance Central's graphics are much pleasing to the eye, I would dare say.

---

"Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

---

After having fun playing in St. Games, the original plan to have dinner with them. However, I just found out that my grandmother had been admitted to a hospital. As a result, I left early to visit my grandmother.

As far as I know, she is still there but she is doing fine.

---

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough." - Don Marquis

Citadels & Looper

Secret War Journal[20 October 2012]
It is time to celebrate Qi Xiang's Birthday!

Together with Marcus and Meldon, we had a blast at Mindcafe near Dhouby Ghaut.

We played a match of Settlers of Catan. After that, we went on to play a round of Citadels.

Citadels

Apart from Qi Xiang, I think the rest of us never played this game before. (At least I know I never played before)

At first look, the game may look a bit complicated due to the presence of 4 different sets of cards, excluding the instructional cards. Of course, on hindsight, it certainly looks a lot less complicated than Settlers of Catan but hey, I was not comparing this board game to any game when I first saw the contents.

Basically, in this game, your goal is to accumulate as much points at the end of the game. The game ends at the end of the round when a player constructed 8 districts.

The more expensive your districts are, the more points it would contribute. Players who constructed 8 districts at the end of the game would receive bonus points and the first player to construct 8 district would receive the most bonus points. Some districts have special abilities.

Perhaps, the key element of the game is the character cards. Each round, you get to choose a class/character where no one else knows until it is revealed later phase of the round. Each character has a special ability which you can use in that round. Some abilities include destruction of a district, extra gold, make a player lose a turn.

The remaining 2 sets of cards are bonus decks which you can opt to replace the original cards in the district and character decks. In my opinion, some of the cards from the bonus decks are quite imbalanced and breaks the game but that's just me. :P

---

The Present
Before we headed off to the cinema, we side-tracked a bit to a nearby games store.

Mind you, this was all planned beforehand.

Qi Xiang had mentioned about this game for quite some time already. Since he does not yet own this game, we decided it would make quite a decent birthday present for him.

Thus, as we entered the store, we started to talk about the latest games available in various consoles. Meanwhile, Marcus went to purchase the game to present it to Qi Xiang.

Qi Xiang looked a bit shocked when he saw the present. He had an expression which said "I can't believe you guys just bought this for me!". Hahas!

Mission accomplished. Time to watch the movie. :P

---

Looper

In my opinion, it was an insightful movie. Though I won't call it a great movie but it is indeed thought-provoking. Time travel has been a concept that many had imagined. However, many considerations need to be taken when writing a script based on time travel. It is just so easy to create paradox on the fly when you are writing a story with time travel involved.

Looper is one such movie that leads one to feel that the author did not bother to tie up the loose ends in the movie, leaving the paradox unexplained. Of course, it could also be the intention of the author to leave it to the watcher's imagination. Sometimes, explaining the paradox could kill the action in the movie which I would agree in this case since this movie is seriously lacking some thrilling action. Even though I believe it was not meant to be an action movie, but hey, a little more action would not hurt right?

One aspect I really liked about the movie was how the director managed to portray the motivations of various characters in the movie. Despite the lack of screen time for the older Joe, it is not difficult to know the driving force behind his actions. Similarly for Kid Blue, his motivations are also explained in the movie.

Regarding comic relief, I believe one of the best played scene was the anti-climatic scene, much similar to the anti-climatic scene in Iron Man 2. Another well-played act was the conversation between the two Joes in the restaurant.

Comparing to other time travel pieces, I feel that Steins;Gate is still a better option. It could possibly due to the fact that it is not a movie but has many episodes to slowly build up on the time travel concept which gives Steins;Gate ample time to close the loose ends. Steins;Gate allows the audience to get mind-blown as everything makes sense, where everything fits despite the move into the next time line, preventing major paradoxes.

Finally, Looper is a movie that ensures that one would be talking about it after the movie, allowing intellectual discussions on each other's perceptions/understanding of the movie. Each and everyone has different approach to understanding the movie, allowing this movie to be a great topic to converse about in social gatherings. That is where Looper truly shines, I feel.

---

"I must govern the clock, not be governed by it." - Golda Meir

Big Guts

Secret War Journal[14 September 2012]
Woah, I hardly could find time to blog nowadays. Funny how that actually sounds. I am now able to go home on Friday nights instead of Saturday morning and I still go back on Sunday nights yet time seems to move ever faster.

I guess I am really growing older. Only old people think time passes faster despite given the same amount of time.

Anyways, this is a short update on my life in army thus far.

I am failing my physical test again. One of a kind, I would say. I am not really sure the reason myself but it happened after I over-exerted my muscles on my first day there.

My strength had went downhill since then. Sometimes, I wonder if I contracted the muscles-destroying virus that one of my former section mates had then. I hope not.

I sure hope I can pass the physical test in one month. That is the time frame given to me by my superiors before I officially fail the entire leadership course. Definitely not a pretty sight. Let's see how sheer determination leads me to, huh?

I hope I can answer to you.

---

4 times denied
Just yesterday, I had a outing with Jie Sheng, Siew Yan, Bao Lin, and Cynthia. It had been a month since I last saw them. I must really emphasize - Time really flies! 

The original plan was to have some nice dim sum at Ajunied but the plan fell apart mainly due to my fault (and I was the organiser, how great is that?)

Bad things happened to me when I try to reach a place. Most specifically, it started when I want to visit my mum.

First, it all started on Friday morning. The outing was finalised on Thursday. I decided that since the venue was at Ajunied, I could go early myself on Saturday and pay my Mum a visit. I thought of that when I woke up on Friday morning early. Shortly after I decided to do it, I came down with a bad runny nose. I dare say the runny nose ruin my entire day. There were actually moments I thought I would be sick. (Meaning I would have to also cancel the outing altogether, now wouldn't that be sad?)

Second, was the moment I decided to carry out the plan anyways, since I woke up kinda early on Saturday and my nose no longer was acting up. At that moment, my family decided to use the washing machine (when I am the one who normally uses it on Saturdays), causing considerable delay to me since I had to wash my clothes after theirs. (In fact, I was so late I cannot visit my mother before the agreed time to meet the rest)

Third, my nose acted up again. I thought to myself then, it is okay. I can always visit after lunch, since it is near the place anyways. Straight after that, I sneezed and well, my nose acted up again.

Last, Siew Yan decided to change the venue, since I was so late. I guess it is fate. Funny when I sort of give up, my nose recovers. I wonder what is the intended message? I think I do not really want to know.

Why did I suffer so for something that should be my right? Must I be deprived the only few comfort I have in life?

---

Unseen
Another stupid moment occurred to me on Saturday as well.

I had a short mini heart attack when I left my house and headed for the bus stop. It was the same bus stop that I alighted from last night yet only now did I notice there were 2 bus stops on the same side of the street. I certainly felt quite mind-blown at that moment. Why didn't I see the second bus stop yesterday? I guess I was just too tired huh?

Everything went quite smoothly after this with minimal obstacles given to me. Thus, I reach the destination: Mad Jack in one piece, relatively unharmed (I guess?)

At that point, I realised how long since I last met them. Wow, I just have to say this again, it had been one month.

They had all consumed their lunch, save me. I am so late that I have to eat lunch alone while the rest of them just continued to chat. I have to thank Siew Yan and Bao Lin who ordered some dessert hence avoiding a awkward situation where everyone would stare at me eating. Hahas! I felt kinda bad though, Siew Yan should be saving money but I am indirectly causing her to spend more money. :S
--
After lunch, we proceeded to go shopping! It is time for me to resume my wardrobe renewal once again! At the same, the retail therapy would help. :P

While trying out clothes at some point of time, Siew Yan have to leave. Hmm, I did not get to bid goodbye, how not courteous of me. :O

Anyways, I bought a hoodie and a blue shirt. In the end, I did not get to buy a pair of pants. Dang! Sigh.

Life is about...

Secret War Journal[23 September 2012]

---

Change

I would be lying if I were to deny this. Things around us are always in flux.I am no different.

The first (official) week in my new camp has just ended. I cannot say I enjoyed my time there.

It is quite a culture shock there. The change is immense. The privileges that we took for granted come crashing on us as it is suddenly taken away from us.

On the bright side, the food there is much nicer. In terms of variety, at least. I hope it lasts. (So this is an example of how funding matters, huh?)

I hope I can adapt to the changes there.

(Did you know the Burger King that we all used to mug at in Raffles City Shopping Mall is no more? It is now replaced by KFC. Guess, it will be always in our memory, how we crazily studied there, having lots of laughter and fun discussing the questions and just chilling, sometimes. Hahas!)

---

Hope

What is living without hope?

Despite the harsh awakening to the changes in the environment of where I mostly sleep in now, there are still things to be happy about.

It is often through tough times that we can relate to it after the whole ideal. Perhaps we could even smile on how far we achieved from persevering.

Not to mention, my best friend, Johnston who helped me to stabilise my mentality. I think I would had gone insane (like dangerously insane, not insane in a hilarious manner) from all negative thoughts in my  head.

Meeting Qi Xiang and Meldon just to chill and unwind also helped a lot.

Shereen seems to be her normal cheerful self. Not bad! Hahas! I guess it is important to live your life to the fullest, no matter how bad the situation is. After all, we each have only just one life. Live life to our fullest and have no regrets. =)

---

Disappointment
Neither am I a stranger to this.

Seriously, who is not expecting conscription to be anything but disappointment anyway?

With hope, comes disappointment.

I had since decided I am not going to care. After all, I am inherently selfish (as do all humans). If they don't care, I would not too. 

Have fun, and adieu.

---

Irony

Yet we still hope, despite the obvious flaws it has.

Sometimes I wonder we are idiots or not.

An author once said that Friends are meant to be hurt. If you do not know this, you do not know friendship.

Most of us would be appalled by this sentence initially. But think carefully on the sentence, who can really say this is absurd? How many times had you hurt your friends? Whether intentionally or by accident?

Humans are selfish people. No matter how much people may try to deny, the fact that they have friends reveals much. Do they make friends for other's sake or their own?

My friend, I believe the answer is plain enough, I need not elaborate.

We are just hurting each other. Does that make us horrible creatures? Perhaps.

---

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

Comfort Food

Secret War Journal[16 September 2012]

Ice Cream, a great way to chill!

I just realised I crave for different kinds of food at different moods! =)

---

When I feel down, I would eat

Wheat Crackers because its bland taste reminds me how alone I am.

Strangely, that brings me comfort. (I must be a sadist)
Of course, I only crave this when I am mildly sad. Hahas!
--

Floss Bread! Always loved Chicken Floss since young! Hahas

Bread always never fail me to cheer me up. In an abstract way, it reminds me of Shana eating melon bread. It makes one forget all troubles and just feel great. ;)



--

Cheese Crackers! A great way to cheer one up!

I like the taste of the salt and cheese in the crackers. I eat this when I feel downcast from being unable to do something I set out to do. (I always was a crazy lover of salt. Hahas!)

Cajun fries! Beats French Fries any other day!

--

Try beat this! French Fries! Complete with more salt!

French fries is definitely a 'feel good' food of mine. I normally would want to eat this when I feel the world is dull. :)
--

The texture and taste is awesome!

Potato Chips - Consumed when I feel moderately stressed. Hence, you would see me devouring this when I am studying. :)
--

Baked Cashew Nuts are my favourite amongst Cashew Nuts =]

Peanuts, the crunchy taste helps me to distress.

Nuts are powerful. I think they are rank #2 in helping me to cheer up (as of posting).

Though, sometimes I over-consume and end up getting a throat infection. Oops. :S
--

Chocolate, or should I say Chocolate wafers? Hahas!

This should not come as a surprise. After all, chocolate are known to make one feel happy. Thus, it is expected for this to be ranked #1 in the list. ;)

---

When I feel exhausted after working out, I would drink

Sweet drinks!

People will gun for isotonic drinks but I don't really mind as long as it is sweet. I need the sugar! Hahas!

---

Of course, Chinese Cuisine, more specifically, Teochew and Fujian cuisine, never fails to brighten my day! ^^


Time for lunch! See ya! :D Oh here's a happy song for you guys! ;)

Gunnery origins

Secret War Journal[12 September 2012]
Life sure is amusing sometimes.

I am now one quarter done with my term as a conscript for the nation. With the completion of my Foundation Term last week, I had also reviewed my Wishlist for it. From the looks of it, it is actually quite disappointing. :(

Despite the fun I had during my time there, I was not able to achieve much of my personal goals. I guess a balance had to be struck, huh? To have fun, one must sacrifice achievement. Of course, in certain cases it is possible for both to co-exist but one have to admit that certain things require sacrifices.

So where am I headed to now? Having deflected a job offer to be a lone wolf, I am now a member of the group who are responsible for raining death on the battleground.

To be frank with you, I do not really have any idea what to expect from this new course. Despite the briefing I had today this morning, I left the place not knowing any more than when I enter. The main reason is due to the fact that they had not published the timetable and even if they did, they would only release two weeks' worth of it. How agonising is that?! Argh, that does make my blood boil.

(I certainly hope they realise that people cannot really buy into your ideology when you give so little information about it.)

Nevertheless, however sad the conditions the place there is right now (let's not talk about it), I am on this ship now. No point trying to sink it when it would cause my downfall too, I rather see it port safely at the end of its journey.

As aforementioned, since I do not have much information, I guess I will not come up with a list of goals for it just yet. Not until I know about it, anyways.

What I do know is that there would be more physically demanding lessons to be overcome. Goodness gracious, I wonder how I am going to survive all this...

---

On an another note, after coming out of my new camp, I met up with Keller for a quick catch-up. He just came back from overseas for his exercise and would be going for another soon. Boy, his life sure is packed!

I went to try out the Pepperlunch at Compass Point. It was definitely a new experience though I still feel a bit awkward watching them prepare the food in front of me. I cannot help but feel cheated. I mean that's it?! Man, I thought the preparation was more sophisticated. Hahas!

Gary came to join us later on. (Hmm, more like we join him later but details details... tsk tsk.) Apparently, he is in the same field as me but I could had sworn I never see him this morning. Dang, I must be dazed the whole day! (Maybe that explains why I feel as though I learnt nothing today. :O)

Lastly, guess what? I bought a Samsung Galaxy S3 travel charger. Best part? I don't own a Samsung Galaxy S3. I would bet many people would start screaming Then why the heck you bought one?! Unfortunately, their charger is the only non-usb charger for Android phones which is the only kind accepted in army installations. It costs a bomb too T.T (so this is what the allowance are for...)

On the civilian side, examinations are coming... mid-term tests, preliminary tests, A levels. It would be quite quiet on my side for a while, having no one to talk to since almost all my close friends are studying... male or female... Either they are pursuing degrees, diplomas, A levels or overseas.

Guess the next few month would be tough. Regardless, I shall survive!

---

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Aristotle Onassis

War among myself

Secret War Journal[10 September 2012]
Hahas, I had been feeling angsty lately. So many emotions flooding in, finally after my long stasis due to army life.

What does this mean? This means it is time for me to write a post, to release these emotions. Even reading past posts of this nature helps me to unwind. Such is the power of my own writing on myself. Fragments of myself, shattered to allow me peace.

I had been being feeling rather insecure for the past 2 days, ever since I went home from dinner with my close friends. It is so bad, I feel like running away from everything.

I probably not getting brownie points from my family for not doing anything much at home. (I lost all mood to do anything, I just want to lie there...) For this moment, I hope they forgive me... just let me be because I feel as though I lost my motivation. For the common people, it is probably not life threatening.

But for a short moment, I lost the will to live.

To me, that was dangerous. My past continues to haunt me... It is like a shadow, I cannot run away from it. I guess the only way is to face it.

But I have been facing it everyday! It is plain as day to me every day!

Hope is disease.

I know that! But I need to hold on to something, something to prevent the further deteriorating of my soul.

Gods know how much I had been through...

In this world, there are probably many others like me who had been through those horrible moments. That brought little comfort to me. There is too much grief in this world.
--
What if one day, everything changed? What if, you wake up to find everything foreign? Sometimes we takes things for granted.

And I admit I do. That is why I am afraid. Would I rue the day I lose something, only to find it of value? I would certainly regret its loss. I would hate myself for allowing it to be gone. Why did I not put more effort to prevent its destruction?

Would I be able to live with that revelation?

Just how much more damage can I take before I lose it totally? All the insecurity due to the fact that I do not really know. That uncertainty breeds this feeling, because it lifts the stake. I fear failure not because I do not wish to appear weak. Rather, I fear its consequences...

---

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." - Pam Brown

---

(Source: Kokoro Connect Episode 10; Credits: Randomc.net)

---

It was not my war then.

I realised that I am sort of the opposite person of who I was ten years ago. I used to be extremely impulsive, driven by my emotions. I used to be more carefree. I used to be more cheerful. As some would also say, I used to act more like a spoiled child.

Everything changed since my mother's death. The very thought makes me want to hug myself tightly because I feel so very cold. It is a reminder. A reminder that I am alone here. Ten years down the road, how many new friends had I made? Compare it to my other me.

But it is now my war.

Now, I exercise more restraint in my actions.
Now, I would rather be accused of being indecisive rather than make impulsive actions.
Now, I contain more of my thoughts within me.
Now, I find myself harder to laugh as carefree as before.

I lost much fighting this war.

Ten years since, I am still as alone as I ever was right after my mother's death.
Just how much really changed? My family is forever shattered. No amount can ever restore it to its former glory, its former warmth. Nothing I do, nothing my family do will help it piece itself together.

A mirror that had been shattered can never be placed back as one piece, like its former self. After all, what is broken can never be restored its original state. This is the same thing as trust.

I cannot back off now, not after committing so much into this war.

I used to trust freely. After that incident, I found it difficult to trust people. Some of my close friends might had realised it. It is probably the reason why I find it harder to make friends. After all, they are turned off by the fact that I do not trust them. It hurts them. In that, I am a heartless person because in the act of not wanting to get hurt, I hurt others instead...

Truly, how far had I fallen? Perhaps it is known unto God only.

Thus begins my recording of my struggles in my own war...
Thus was this Journal birthed,
From one's despair,
From one's hope,
Let this Journal live to tell the tale of a King who was slowly losing himself.

Soup Restaurant

Secret War Journal[8 September 2012]

We (Marcus, Johnston, and I) had not met up since University started. Taking full advantage of the short leave I had from my recent graduation from Foundation Term, we met up at Nex Shopping Mall to have a great dinner.
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But before that, it is time for me to meet up with Meldon and Qi Xiang for lunch at Ajisen Ramen!

But honestly, I seem to be eating Ajisen once monthly. Heck, I just dine there with Cynthia last month?

If I knew, I would had kept the card that Ajisen Ramen kept giving me...

I just tried the White Fish ala-carte. Okay, I tried that the last time I ate at Ajisen through the recommendation of someone but hey! I ordered it this time. Ha~!

It was a lot of fun when we shared what good reads are there. It was funny when Qi Xiang got overwhelmed by two epic fantasy series: A song of Ice and Fire and the Malazan Book of the Fallen. Personally, I, too, cannot believe we spent so much time at the Library reading Foxtrot comics. Hahas!
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Back to Soup Restaurant. :)

I am almost twenty years old and this is actually my first time trying Soup Restaurant. (Hmm, that made me sound as though I am deprived. :O)

Basically, it is a Chinese cuisine restaurant. I know a lot of Singaporean of my age generally got sick of Chinese cuisine already but I am actually the opposite. (As usual, hahas. I must be born at the wrong year)
I had been eating so many Japanese (+a bit of Thai and Korean) and Western cuisine that I actually find myself missing Chinese cuisine. I guess my heritage makes me wanting more of Chinese Cuisine. It is more likely to leave me feeling more satisfied after a meal. I am not really sure why myself, perhaps it is just ancient instincts.



Seating down, we ordered a set meant for the three of us. It includes a plate of sliced chicken with cabbage, minced meat with soy sauce, claypot tofu, vegetables and pork ribs with corn and red carrot soup. Along with these, are free flow of white chrysanthemum tea.  =)
 
Enough talk, let's eat! I have a 4 course meal + soup in front of me!!! *Readies chopsticks*

(Hahas, I was joking. I had obviously finished my meal. :P

Throughout the meal, we talked about the recent games that we had been playing and planning to play. Sims 3, Dragon Nest and D.C. Universe Online.

We went on to talk about University/Academic life thus far. I even asked Johnston for some medical advice since I suffered from some ailments since entering army, of which I had no time (or maybe just plain too lazy, hahas?) to consult a proper doctor. I had not told anyone. I guess it is appropriate that my best friend knows about it first. :) Marcus left to settle the bill then, I guess God doesn't want him to know, I accept His decision.

Marcus is now studying Psychology. I really learnt some cool stuff from him on our way home. In fact, I learnt some shocking theories. I hope I learn more of these interesting snippets of it! ^^

Sigh, how I wish I have something to share too... Everyone is learning new things...)
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Observers (if you could be there) would realise that we all hardly talk about army life. There are many several reasons for it:

1. Things about army are generally classified, we cannot talk about it in public.
2. Not everyone goes through army and thus would feel left out. (Applies to Qi Xiang and Marcus to a certain extent; besides Johnston is now officially a civilian)
3. Army does not really warrant that much of an attention as a conversation topic. I mean really? There are more interesting things to talk about! :)

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"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

24 ≠ 24

Secret War Journal[5 September 2012]

I had just completed my second 24km route march! It sure completed quite late this time. I guess it was due to a lack of practice since my graduation from my basic military training 2 months ago.

So it is now around 6am in the morning the day after we started the route march. I guess it is about time for breakfast so I would only sleep after breakfast? Sigh, I cannot believe that I did not sleep for last night. Woah!

I would admit, though, that the route march was not as painful as the first attempt. This could attributed to several reasons. Firstly, we were not adversely affected by downpours which made abrasions highly likely to occur. Secondly, I am considerably more prepared for the route march, in terms of preventing injuries, than the first one. This is due to the fact that I decided to use lubricants around the joints where abrasions often occure to prevent such incidents from happening during the route march, making the experience quite unbearable near its completion.
--
However, one usual gripe I had regarding the conduct of the route march (as always) would be the fact that it is so difficult to calculate the distance that we had marched. There is suscipions that we had marched around 28km, like the previous time instead of the intended distance. Sigh...
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P.S: I typed this in pure darkness, it was indeed quite challenging. Though it would seem that I had memorised the positions of the characters on the keyboard. :O Hahas!

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"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

Foundation Term Fin

Secret War Journal[2 September 2012]

Time passes almost twice as fast since University started for the rest of my peers who do not have to serve the army.

This coming week would be my last week of my Foundation Term, barring anything bad happening to me.

Throughout the entire Foundation term, I had experience new things, granted those are things that I would not try if I had a choice but nevertheless enriching, such as a variety of weapons and simple survival skills. I believe the most important thing to take away from the course would be the ability to be independent to most (though life in army taught me little of it, God and my parents had taught me well, to the point that army life instead cause me to be less independent...) and life skills on management of people.

Despite that, I cannot hope but feel that conscription had not helped me in anyway. Lift in army had caused me to become even lazier than before, partly due to my fatigue from army (an act I solely hate as I felt as though I wasted my time sleeping and lazing around instead of working on personal projects, improving myself or simply unwind). In addition, it made me spent more (I used to be a spendthrift...). Every month, I stress over how much I need to save and how much I fall short of from my budget. All these add on to unnecessary psychological stress. Which frustrates me, given the fact that I am so used to control. 6 months since enlistment yet I still cannot understand the need for all this. Defending the country, yes but is this necessary? I remain unconvinced. Regimentation instill discipline? Nope, it is proving to cause just the opposite to me.

Hence, while I would say I enjoyed my Foundation Term, I dare say, I learnt nothing much of importance. Life skills, yep but I learnt more from my leadership appointments during my education. Interpersonal skills? Again, there are more opportunities in school than a confined space. Managing stress, I believe the answer is obvious.

Sometimes, I really wonder, why are people emphasing that military life could you teach you so much when it cannot? Just admit it is to defend the nation, no one would blame you. Because it is the truth, do not add 'bonus' to it when it cannot realise those vision to all individuals, leaving them disappointed...

(Update on 3 Sept 2012: Today, we were asked to list down the things we learnt from the entire Term. Curious, given the time, I wonder if they read my post the day before? Hahas, unlikely though there is an remote possibility. 

So, to give this post a little better balance, I would list down some things I had learnt:

1. I learnt how teamwork really helps to accelerate the speed of getting things done, allowing people to enjoy the process, and improving the efficiency of the work.
2. Army training reinforced the fact that communications are highly important. Too many times had many of us felt frustrated due to conflicting orders.)

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"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." - Albert Einstein