Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™

Secret War Journal[1 March 2013][Long Post]
It has been a long time since I took this personality test and I was told to re-take it after a period of time as humans change. :)

Take the Quiz here!

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-->Personality Type Explained<--

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Here are my results! (And I am proud to say my personality is still largely unchanged. :)
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INTJ

Introvert(56%) iNtuitive(75%) Thinking(50%) Judging(56%)

You have moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (56%)
You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (75%)
You have moderate preference of Thinking over Feeling (50%)
You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (56%)

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Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

Profile: INTJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 17 Oct 2009

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

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Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt

Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.
Extraverted Thinking
Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.
Introverted Feeling
Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.

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Famous INTJs:

Susan B. Anthony
Lance Armstrong
Arthur Ashe, tennis champion
Augustus Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus)
Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)
Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)
William J. Bennett, "drug czar"
William F. Buckley, Jr.
Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Ironsides)
Chevy Chase (Cornelius Crane) (Fletch)
Katie Couric
Phil Donahue
Michael Dukakis, governor of Mass., 1988 U.S. Dem. pres. candidate
Richard Gere (Pretty Woman)
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor
Greg Gumbel, television sportscaster
Hannibal, Carthaginian military leader
Emily Bronte, author of Wuthering Heights
Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote)
Orel Leonard Hershiser, IV
Peter Jennings
Charles Everett Koop
Ivan Lendl
C. S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
Joan Lunden
Edwin Moses, U.S. olympian (hurdles)
Martina Navratilova
Michelle Obama
General Colin Powell, former US Secretary of State
Charles Rangel, US Representative, D-N.Y.
Pernell Roberts (Bonanza)
Donald Rumsfeld, former US Secretary of Defense
Hillary Clinton, US Secretary of State
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California
Josephine Tey (Elizabeth Mackintosh), mystery writer (Brat Farrar)

U.S. Presidents:

Chester A. Arthur
Calvin Coolidge
Thomas Jefferson
John F. Kennedy
James K. Polk
Woodrow Wilson

Fictional:

Cassius (Julius Caesar)
Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)
Gandalf the Grey (J. R. R. Tolkein's Middle Earth books)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes' nemesis
Horatio Hornblower
Ensign Ro (Star Trek--the Next Generation)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Hamlet)
George Smiley, John le Carre's master spy
Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)

Copyright © 2012 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

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"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves." - Lao Tzu

Irony

Secret War Journal[February 2012]
Don’t be so kind to me.
What face should I make?
With the words that have piled up I can’t see
Your face from the side.

Where is it? I can’t find the key I lost.
Sigh…I’m so tired of acting so stubborn when we disagree.

It’s just a little too far for my hand to reach.
I wonder if I truly want to grasp that shadow of yours.

Don’t be so kind to me.
Look, we’ll hurt each other again.
With the lies that have piled up I’m unable to move anymore.
Don’t look at me with those eyes.
What face should I make?
I’m completely lost, but someday
Maybe I’ll be able to smile.

It feels like I’ve spent so many days with you
But still, the words we exchanged were too few.

The distance between you and me is getting just a little closer
I can’t really catch you – even though there’s just a little left to go!

Don’t be so kind to me.
Look, we’ll hurt each other again.
With the lies that have piled up, I can’t hear your words.
Hiding my true voice,
I hum this melody.
I’ll entrust my body
To my slowly changing heart.

I don’t even know myself,
Even though I feel like I want to know about you.
I somewhat hold back these conflicting feelings
And feel my way through these invisible walls

Don’t be so kind to me.
Look, we’ll hurt each other again.
The lies that have piled up are just painful, right?
I want to go see you immediately
But I can't find my words
On at least the final page,
I want to show you my smile!

Mental Defect

Secret War Journal[]

With each passing day, I feel a greater sense of overwhelming sorrow.
I probably could explain the cause, but I cannot express it in words.
My appetite has fallen, my joy running dry.
Colours turning grey, visions darkening.

What I grief, I grief for naught.
What I desire, I desire in vain.
What I gain, I gain nought.
What I see, I see nix.

Motivations runs dry, only to be filled again.

So much is missing.
SO much is obscured.
So much is lost.
One ponders on the meaning of his life.

Your existence is a sin.

Zero Dark Thirty

Secret War Journal[26 January 2012][Spoiler Alert]
Chinese New Year is round the corner! Most of my friends have already bought their Chinese New Year clothes but I had not finished my shopping yet. Thus, today we are gathered to get some last minute shopping. Hahas.

With me as advisers are Marcus, Keller, Qi Xiang, and Meldon to accompany me. Originally, I planned to head to Bugis to get a pair of pants for Chinese New Year. I had thought of buying a light brown pants for a very long time, since last year. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, we ended up in Ion Orchard. As I had thought about it for so long, I purchased a pair of Chino pants after trying it out immediately. Meanwhile, Marcus and Keller attempted to find clothes to buy too.

When we were finally done, we had lunch at Pepperlunch while Meldon ate out at Subway since he is vegetarian. Keller had to go after lunch for Reunion dinner. Thus, the rest of us went to play LAN without him.

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Discrepancy

After two hours of gaming, it is time for a movie! Marcus wanted to watch Zero Six Thirty so here we are, heading into the theatre with 2 large drinks and a small-looking popcorn. Without realising we were actually late, causing us to miss out the introduction of the movie. As it turns out, it is actually quite important because the omission of the very beginning took me some time to understand when the movie actually started in.
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Review
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At this point, I feel that I should include the synopsis of the movie or else I am afraid some people who get lost here. :P
Synopsis
A chronicle of the decade-long hunt for Al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden after the September 2001 attacks, and his death at the hands of the Navy S.E.A.L. Team 6 in May 2011.

Maya is a CIA operative whose first experience is in the interrogation of prisoners following the Al Qaeda attacks against the U.S. on the 11th September 2001. She is a reluctant participant in extreme duress applied to the detainees, but believes that the truth may only be obtained through such tactics. For several years, she is single-minded in her pursuit of leads to uncover the whereabouts of Al Qaeda's leader, Osama Bin Laden. Finally, in 2011, it appears that her work will pay off, and a U.S. Navy SEAL team is sent to kill or capture Bin Laden. But only Maya is confident Bin Laden is where she says he is.

- Source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1790885/

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Perhaps the first thought that would come to mind when the movie finishes would be that the movie was a bit too long. Designed to be slow-paced movie to allow the audience to ponder and reflect through the process of finding Osama bin Laden to his imminent death, the lengthy film has a tendency to tire out the audience as they strain their brains for a good 157 minutes. Not very gentle for the causal moviegoers, I would say.

One of the highlights of the earlier parts of the movie would be the treatment of the confinees. Captured terrorists were held in black sites. There, they were 'tortured' and brutally interrogated. Treatments include depriving them of food and beverage, physical punishment and water torture. Tactics such as occasionally being nice to get information were also used to obtain intelligence on the extremist movements. These continued to be used in the war effort against terrorists until President Obama put an end to it due to the public uproar over it.

While it is a serious breach on human rights, let us pause for a moment and ask ourselves: Why did the Intelligence Branches have to resort to such inhumane acts? I am not supporting nor sanctioning such acts but they do have a point, which Kathryn emphasize quite brilliantly. Without the threats that they can issue to the confinees, how are they going to 'persuade' them to leak vital information that would help to prevent terrorist attacks, hence saving countless lives in the process? The principle "kill one to save many" is a cruel mandate but if one is given a choice to kill one to save many or kill many to save one, I believe the answer by most would be the former.

Meanwhile, the movie then goes on with their struggles with obtaining information without the conventional means. As terrorist attacks grow rampant, it became a race against time for the operatives to obtain useful leads to guard against future attacks. On the other hand, Maya, the main lead in the movie, with the help of her aide got hold of a terrorist who seems to be willing to sell the terrorist network out for money. On the promise of information about the elusive network, they decided to meet face to face in a camp supposedly named Camp Chapman. When the convoy comes into the camera view and a sad music plays in the background, you already know full well that the outcome is not going to be pretty. In the end, the informant turns out to be a suicide bomber (no surprise, is there?), killing Maya's aide and a task force with him.

That was a setback that almost broke Maya. However, she instead decided to turn it into a force of hatred, driving her to find the heart of the network and hunt him down, Osama. Not much progress was made until one fateful day, they found the real identity of Osama's most trusted courier. Seeking him finally led them to the whereabouts of Osama and the rest, as they say, was history.

New Year Meet-up

Secret War Journal[12 January 2013]
A new year! Always a good reason to meet up with everyone again. :) Today it is time to do some catching up with 10S101 clique after not meeting them for so long! It has been what, a year since we last met? LOL

Coming today are Debbie, Laura, Lai Yin, and Pei Shi. It was a meet-up that almost took ages to materialise. I guess it was mostly my fault due to the fact that I did not have whatsapp? That did slow down the process on confirming on a date. Compounded by the fact that my work schedule was a big question mark then, not much decision-making could be made then. Things were finally decided when my schedule for January was finalised. Thud, today is the day we decided on.

Apart from me, the rest of them are attending university. It made me feel that I am under-performing at first because everyone else seems to be learning something immediately useful to their future career. I feel so useless since I could have signed up for some class during the weekends. Hmm, on that note, I am currently thinking of taking up driving.
Come to think of it, each of us are pursuing a different degree. Debbie - Business; Laura - Law; Lai Yin - Mathematics; Pei Shi - Psychology. Myself? I am set to pursue a double degree of business and computing. Guess at least I am also pursuing a business degree as Debbie but I am taking a double degree. :(
Most of them are smarter than me but I am the only one gunning for a double degree. At times, I have second thoughts of my compatibility with my chosen course. Hmm...

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Pasta De Waraku

Without sidetracking further, we met up at GongCha first in Central. (I was not late! Yes!) Earlier that day, Debbie wanted to meet up at Outram Park first. No reason were given then but Pei Shi guessed that Debbie needed to buy something first. I could not give an accurate guess on what Debbie wanted to buy because all I know about Outram Park are a hospital and a park. As it turns out, Debbie forgot that there is a MRT station in Clarke Quay! Hahas! That could be quite embarrassing! Fortunately, that was rectified before we actually met at Outram Park or else it would be really funny then. :p

From my memory of my past visits to Central, I recalled having difficulty choosing what to eat. Today, we had quite a bit of a dilemma on which restaurant/stall to dine in. (Deja vu?) After walking around the whole shopping mall, I realised there were many more places to eat than I previously thought. Heck, I did not even know that there were so many Japanese cuisine restaurants here! Fortunately, we narrowed our choices down to non-fast food and no Korean, which helped to allow us to decide our lunch. In the end, we found ourselves seated in Pasta De Waraku, a sort of fusion cuisine I would say, of French and Japanese. All the while, they were trying to get me to treat them for lunch. (I was actually prepared to treat them, within my budget, of course. It felt like a deja vu moment where I treated them to lunch. Hmm, maybe that happened in an alternate dimension.) Anyway, they felt bad so I did not treat them. LOL?

I cannot vividly recall what each of us ordered but Laura ordered a oyster clam soup pasta, lai yin another soup pasta, Pei Shi cream pasta, Debbie seafood pasta? while I ordered Ham & Egg pasta. For myself, I find the pasta a tad too salty. However, the serving is decent (not enough for me but enough or normal people.)

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Long Walk
After our meal, we loitered around the mall, trying to decide on something to do. (We only planned to find a place to eat and catch-up, but it was a bit bad to stay in a restaurant when we all but finished our food. LOL!) Along the way, we had this crazy idea to walk to Suntec City Mall and off we went!

Walking out of the shopping mall, only to realise that the weather is kind of harsh today. Yet, we pressed on. It is quite a journey actually, being my first time walking from Clarke Quay to City Hall. I had a lot of fun coming with crazy theories about NUS Faculties with Laura.

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Mall of Old
Reaching Suntec at last, we were shocked by the amount of renovation works it is undergoing through. Ever since Carrefour left Suntec City Mall, , Giant and Cold Storage has taken residence in it. Some way or another, other places are also experiencing change. The entrance which I normally took to enter the mall is now going through revamp, causing it to be sealed. Even before entering the mall, I felt as though I do no know this Mall anymore; It feels so foreign now. Thankfully, the interior still resemble the old mall I knew. We stopped by Oldtown White Coffee since I was feeling hungry.

I was not exactly sure why but our food took quite some time to arrive. Lai Yin's came first but our food still did not arrive when she finished it. I could understand why the half-boiled eggs would take some time but toast? In any case, as there was a long delay before my food actually arrived, I could eat my toasts as dinner. (Not very healthy to eat just two toasts with kaya spread for dinner but I just lost the appetite to eat dinner after consuming them.)

Shortly after, we headed home.

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Her Iron Throat
Somehow, we should thank Pei Shi for making this gathering possible. Did you know? Pei Shi actually had a pretty bad sore throat today but still she came. She should be resting at home instead but I guess it is hard to get us to meet up so she decided to come at risk of worsening her condition. That made me feel a bit bad.

Tells you something huh? As we all advance to the next stage in entering the working society, it would only get so much harder to meet up. I can only hope I do not lose anything when I enter the working world.

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I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. "Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun." - Charles R. Swindoll

Kokoro Connect

Secret War Journal[7 January 2013][Spoiler Alert]
I seldom talk about anime because Randomc.net does a very good job writing about them. However, I believe that Kokoro Connect deserves a special mention because of its characters.

With the last 4 episodes airing marathon this month, the anime had officially concluded. In a way, it is a pity that it ended though I have to agree that the anime should end this way instead of dragging it. Otherwise, the effect that allows it to be so impactful would be lost. What captivates me to really watch it is the way how the characters relate to me.

I feel so cold

Take inaba. Her initial personality before revealing her feelings for Tachi reminded greatly of myself. She was a character who actually keeps many things to herself. She keeps her fears to herself and is a little bit cynical about life. From her first impressions, one would actually think she is a dark character. This stems from her ideology that there is no one else to rely on but herself. On occasions, I cannot say that is wrong but being an one-man army sergeant can only bring one so far. It was no surprise when Inaba broke under the pressure of heartseed. Given the unpredictable phenomenon of Heartseed's intervention, it is hard to hide your thoughts from others. In normal circumstances, Inaba would had been able to pull if out and live her life as before because no one would probably find out about her secrets.

Iori and Inaba

Towards the last 4 episodes, it was her best friend Iori that relate to me the most. Midway through the anime, we discovered that her cheerful personality was just a false front and she told her then boyfriend Tachi that she was afraid of how people would judge her when they see the true side of her. During the final arc of the story, Heartseed caused thoughts of a random one of the five to be known to others. This initiated a breakdown of Iori as her actions and thoughts are not in sync. When others heard her actual thoughts, they were shocked, and when Iori heard the thoughts of others judging her through the act of Heartseed, she realised that she can no longer keep up the false front. Forsaking her cheerful self, thinking it is only a idealistic impression of herself, she progressively became a cold person. Similarly to Inaba, she would had been able to keep up the facade if not for Heartseed's intervention. However, in case you are wondering, in the end, all is well with Iori accepting that she should not try to live up to other's expectations but live life as how she wants it. :)

Iori's case does prompt one to wonder. How many of us are actually not being honest with others when we socialise? It is unlikely that there would be some supernatural phenomenon which would cause our darkest secrets to be revealed but is continuing on this track detrimental to our mental well-being?

Something to ponder on huh?
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Finally, Aoki and Yui. Probably the most smooth-sailing happy ending in there? Hahas. Granted, the couple also had some hurdles, especially getting Yui to like Aoki! It was not originally that difficult since I suspect Yui already has some feeling for Aoki. However, relevations! Yui actually turns out to be suffering from androphobia! No wonder she always hang out with girls only.

With that said, the couple ultimately benefited (as do others, though it is not apparent immediately) from the deeds of Heartseed. With the end of the second arc, Yui decided to stand up and fight her androphobia. By the end of the anime, Yui explicitly hinted that she took a liking to Aoki. (A good sign, in my opinion!)

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I must say, even in the end, I was rooting for Iori x Tachi but I guess by the final arc, when Iori broke down so badly, it is quite impossible. This is especially so when Tachi realised he never really knew Iori. When you realise that, it is quite hard to get a relationship going when Iori hinted a break-up too. Not that bad, they were really dating to start with, with Iori keep asking Tachi if he can see her real self or only the personalty that Iori is showing to everyone. (which we found out later that Tachi cannot, he thought he could though.)

Inaba x Tachi

I guess, in the end a Inaba x Tachi ending would be more appropriate. I wonder what hidden message the scriptwriters are trying to relay here. Everyone has secrets? :P

Do not understand what I mean? Watch the anime! Hahas!

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Credits: Randomc.net

IKEA Tampines

Secret War Journal[5 January 2013]
I must admit, this is not the first time I dine at the food restaurant @ IKEA Tampines. However, I never really tasted the specialities of the restaurant until this night.

 I would therefore have to thank Sally and Marcus for suggesting IKEA to dine at, creating an opportunity for to try those out! Gahahahahas!
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Meatballs!
It is no wonder that it is everyone's favourite. This swedish recipe really sets itself apart from the meatballs that we normally consume outside. The tender meat along with the just the right amount of salt allows one to enjoy the great taste of the meatball with every bite. Coupled with the (I presume) mushroom sauce, it is already perfect. Of course, most people would spread it with jam to complement the taste. (I did not do that though, I do not like jam. XD)

Chicken Wings

This is sinfully nice. Hahas! I sort of felt guilty after eating but who cares! It is nice!

Fries, Nuggets, and Onion Rings!
This comes as a set. I like the nuggets. :)

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"So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being." - Franz Kafka

Oh when I can see you again

Secret War Journal[January 2013]
First MV post for this year! Enjoy! :)

Year 2013 Goals

Secret War Journal[Year 2013][Edited 29 December 2013]
It is also a resolutions of sort. I never really believed in resolutions but I do set goals.

As a result, I do not really know how this "New Year Resolutions" thing work. I found that most people make them on the New Year's Eve. Hmm, I guess that means I am late by a day? :P

So let's see...

• Pass / Silver in IPPT 
• Become a Detachment Commander
• Get a driving license
• Receive a Tarot card deck
• Buy a pair of pants
• Get the scholarship!
• Buy leather shoes? 
• Buy a pair of causal shoes
• Save $5000 $6000 $7000 $8000 $10000
• Learn Basic C programming
• Get 3G mobile plan
• Get Whatsappp 
• Be more decisive (I wonder what's the KPI to know that I had achieved this though, it is so subjective) 

UPDATE: Score 8/13

Indication

Secret War Journal[1 January 2012]
They say your body is an reflection of your life.

From the surface, everything seems fine.
But within, it is rotten.

Even nature had decreed I am corpse. I wish this body is immortal too. Healing is taking longer, all the wounds caused by parasites feeding on my flesh just seem to worsen.

2012: Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Secret War Journal[Year 2012][Long Post]
Year 2012, the rumoured year that spell the end of the world. Yet 21 December 2012 passed without much fanfare. I guess everyone just got bored of the constant theories that foretells the end of the world. However, think about it. What if it really brought about the end of the world? Would you had regret spending the day 21 December 2012 like any other?

While I always believed in spending my days as though there is no tomorrow, I must admit that sometimes I do falter in that ambitions of mine. There are days when I felt so saddened and enraged that I just spent those days moping around, walking around, reflecting and calming myself down. That seems to be an awful waste of my time (particularly since it was totally uncalled for and unnecessary due to the fact that it is other people's fault. Sometimes, I care simply too much.) Despite that, there may be value in such actions.
I may appear to hang around with friends often but the truth is that I am an introvert. That much is clear to my close friends who realised after a moment that while I talk a lot (of rubbish. :P), I do not often discuss matters of personal issues. I do not open up easily to people. I almost never talk (a few times but it is almost never when compared to normal people) about my screwed-up, broken, rotten-to-the-core family, how I really think, my troubles, my worries, my hopes, my hidden meanings behind statements, who I really like, and my past.
In that aspect, I am not a great friend. I know there are people who find that it is hard to interact with me because I act as though I do not trust them. (which is unfortunately, probably true. I am sorry. Please bear in mind that I was betrayed one time too many, please forgive me for being an anti-trust zealot) It is not your fault. My world is without much warmth. I am sorry.

Thus, while the writing of this journal was originally meant to record my thoughts and memories in my life, it has also, unintentionally, become my emotional pillar, the place for me to calm myself down, make myself coherent when certain people just make me feel down without fail. These are the people I dislike because they go against everything I believe in.
On the other hand, these people are the very reason I have my principles in the first place. I suppose I do owe them one. These people are my so-called 'family'. So-called due to the fact that it is a façade.

Before I accidentally rant non-stop about them (which is not the whole point of this post), let us move on, shall we? :)

In saying this, I might do all introverts an injustice. There are times when I just wished to be left alone. Somehow, communicating with other personalities of me helps to calm me down somewhat. It actually helps to me calm me down much quicker than talking with people in certain situations. But there are also times when I am feeling so depressed, I just wish there is someone I can turn to. Someone I can trust, someone who can give me the warmth that I had so longed for so many years. Sometimes, I just want people to care. Because it seems that I am the only person left in this world that actually cares. I know it is not true, I want to believe it is not true, but it is hard to believe when there is no one. No one to make me feel I am alive in this world. No one with a touch of warmth. Perhaps this world is just my imagination, my nightmare. A dark cold world in my mind.

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"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

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2012, this year, to me, has but 2 major events.

First would be my IDA internship . More details on Reflections on Internship

With the end of my internship came the second which took up the remainder of my time for this year, army.

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All good things come to an End
Despite my best efforts, an recurring thought kept popping up throughout a major portion of the year 2012.

Indeed, all good things come to an end. It was a lesson that needs to be taught to be me by God since I always like to pretend good things would last forever and bad stuff are temporary. However, time and time again the reality had shown me that this world is based on balance; And that there is an equal chance that good things will come to an end just as bad things would come to an end.

To me, army is like the economics equivalent of Globalisation. It brought about shorter but more frequent bouts of happiness and depression. Since my enlistment in army, I feel as though I am in an endless roller coaster emotional ride. One moment I could be feeling high, another crying, right after feeling glad, yet another feeling lonely. It was a quick cycle that threatens my sanity.

Times like that, I wonder what I really want in life. Right now, at this moment of my life, what do I really desire? I constantly question my decisions leading up to the present. I wondered on nights why did I put so much effort to enter University only to be in this place now.
(Though suicide sounds tempting, I refuse to go down that path)

Having said that, this year is without doubt a year where I had very little freedom. Freedom in the sense that I am not able to tell in a glance which weekends would I be available. (There are days where I needed to go regimental duty. Sigh, sometimes I just wish they tell us so much earlier so we can arrange accordingly) It really made going out and meeting up with friends a lot harder. I remember there were occasions when some of old pals were not able to attend the outing because of regimental duty or serving some punishment over the weekends. (which is quite common, much to my horror)

Still, I am glad that I had survived nine months in army thus far. 15 more months to go! (Argh, such an enormous number)

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Silver lining in that dark, dark cloud.

Despite everything army had thrown upon seemed to be bad, there are some things for me to take away from it.

Admittedly, this is when friendships are tested. This is a moment when you will discover who mattered and who does not. When everyone hardly meets, some will drop all pretence and show their true self. When that happens, you may feel sad but moving on, you should not. It lowers the possibility of being betrayed when it matters in the future. Thus, I, hazard to, say army helps in weeding out liars? And in the process, letting you meet more liars. The irony. Ha. Ha.

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And hey! After much labouring and whining, I finished my gunner course! More details here.

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In addition, I believe that there are some life skills to be learnt from the army experience. For one, this is a time where you would be thrown people from different walks of life to manage. By doing so, it tests your leadership skills and trains you a life skill to take away from the army.

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The Matter of Scholarship
With the Year 2012 ending, I find myself thinking if I should try for a scholarship again. In a way, God had given me an extra year to think it over. For better or worse, I sometimes rather that I already gotten a scholarship this year (I was denied both the first round and the final round interview, thanks to army) just so that I would not feel so frustrated now. I find myself reconsidering the case on getting a scholarship based on several aspects:
1. Performance
Bear in mind that I am enrolled as a double degree undergraduate. A Double Degree Programme is not easy, I am well aware of that. Now, I fear that the phrase "not easy" might well be an understatement. I know people who is currently studying in a single business degree and they are having difficulties coping with the workload. One cannot hope to imagine what would be the workload be like. So the question is, would I be able to cope? If I get a scholarship, I do not just need to be able to cope, but also excel. Can I meet their expectations?
2. Bond
As you may be aware, there are scholarships that offers a bond and there others which do not. If I were to go for a scholarship, it is likely I would gun for one which offers a bond. Yet, I am unsure if a bond would be of benefit to me. With a bond, I secured my future career. However, with a bond, it could be an inhibitor to one's career as well. 
3. Will
An important question would be: Do I really want a scholarship? If so, is it for the prestige? Money? Benefits? Experience? Exposure? Fulfilment? If I get a scholarship with the wrong motivations, it could cost me dearly.
4. Private versus Public Sector
Lastly, do I wish to work in the private sector where there is higher volatile but faster promotions or do I prefer the public sector, slow but steady?

All these rattles my mind thoroughly.

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Blow my mind away

Just like a coin, I had met many groups of people who question my choice of my degree.

There are mainly 3 schools of thought.
One believes it is a good choice. Business is a general degree. It does not have much specialisation. With a computing degree, I am in a good position to be at the forefront of innovation and packaging the product that makes business sense.
Another believes business is too generic and computing does not have good career prospects. I believe the business part is rather self-explanatory. For the latter, all points to India. It is not hard to see why. Indian programmers are god-like in this field. It is believed that such talented people are killing the prospects of working in that field. This is a serious consideration. Yes, I have the passion but it is indeed worrying that the odds are quite against me. However, thinking deeper. Why do they excel better than others? Is it sheer hard work or genetics? If I were to stick to my initial decision, I would need to work really hard, no doubt.
Finally, another thinks a double degree is not really worth it. Why bother working so hard only to know the chance of success is so low? Why not just stick to one and you can concentrate on one? I cannot disagree but I still have this nagging feeling to take two. I do not know why but I am willing to trust my instinct. It had not failed thus far. :)

Despite all these schools of thought, I am still sticking to my guns. I need a more concrete argument to convince me. :P

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"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau

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A thinning of patience

Sigh, the 'family'. In one hand, I would say I was quite successful in not venting my anger in the social networks. On the other hand, I had also failed. The worse part was that I was so close to being successful. I was not able to tolerate any longer and vented my anger on Facebook on the Month of December. Just barely days from a brand new year. To me, that was kind of irritating. I was so close to achieving my goal! Why did my resolve falter at the last moment. Grr! In the end, I guess my anger management still needs to be improved.
Maybe my willpower is just weak but it is really hard to contain my anger especially when they keep trying to bring up a certain issue. A certain issue that always boil my blood. When I finally calm down, they come cause me much anguish again.
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That issue
It all began with the Stepmother. One day, she decided she wanted to rent out the room that Lera and I is sleeping in. The issue was first brought up around the month of October (or earlier I think. The reason it is not realised yet is partly because I am not helping in the process, at least covertly).
I remembered the first question that came to my mind was, "where do I sleep now?". Then questions went on to more materialistic things like, "what would happen to my stuff".
Now, a bit of background since I try not to talk about her often. (She does not deserve the publicity) Since coming to the family, she often takes the opportunity to throw away my stuff (of which my grandparents would have a lot of things to say, since they witnessed her throwing something quite personal.)
The rationale given by her was that since I am now in army. I am only at home on weekends and thus we should rent out the room.
Sounds legitimate to get more income but is it morally right? Which parent in the right mind rents out their room when they go to army. I would like to know.
The plan was that I would move to the storeroom and sleep. (I wonder how my grandparents would react since they already view getting a maid to sleep in the storeroom as maid abuse) Sometimes, I think she lost her marbles. But now, I do not think so. This is not a work of a mentally unsound person. This is all planned.
Before I get there,I am also particularly worried about my belongings. I had already suffered one time too many losing a great portion, some irreplaceable, some costing a bomb, some sentimental, as a result of her dumping of my belongings into a wastebin. All on the pretext that it is messy (Yeah like a photo album is messy. Don't make me laugh.) or it is never used (remind me why would I put that cable in a box in a cupboard near me then? Just because I packaged it nicely, just so that it would not appear messy and it is still thrown away anyways. -,-) or because it is just lying there. (For God's sake! They were in my 'in' tray! Those were work!)
At that point, with the assurance that Lera would be moving into a proper room if the room was rented out, the next thing I had to secure were my belongings. I insisted that no one is to touch my stuff. If my belongings require moving, I would do the moving personally. Thank you very much. I remembered the last time, I only expressed that my stepmother should not touch my stuff, she got my sister to do the dirty work instead so I learnt my lesson. No one. Absolutely no one, is allowed to touch my belongings. I do not wish my weekend breaks to ruined by the fact that half my belongings are gone when I return home. If it can be still called 'home' if that happens.
Content Removed at Author's Discretion
I was still able to contain my anger of the absurdity of the plan then. On one fated day, on the month of December, I overheard her saying to my half-brother that he continues to misbehave, she would rent out his room too and chase him out of the house, just like the other two. No prizes for guessing who 'the other two' was she referring to.
Wait up! You would say. It could just be words of spite then, you say.
In the past, I may had closed one eye and believed it so. However, I cannot bring myself to even trust that minute bit of her. There is no trust in the house. The look in her eyes is one that seeks to bring chaos, not peace. Perhaps, when I look at her, I have malice in my eyes too. This is war. Neutrality in the past had led me to nowhere but despair.

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"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields

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Sea of cash

Moving on, for some obscure reason, my spending this year had been quite exorbitant. I believe this is due to the fact that I stopped budget planning when I went to army. I just could not bring myself to spend time updating my budget at the end of the week (I just have to do it daily or I would lose motivation hahas because I would forget what I had spent. :P)
From the rough estimates though, I spent around 3 times more than I had last year. That is a very steep increase. Most of the money were spent on food, transport and bills. A great amount are also spent on gifts. Oops. Despite my enormous spending, I managed to save around $3000 this year. Not as much as I had hoped for but still of a substantial amount to reach my goal to save a total of $8000 by 2014. Let's hope 2013 I can save more! ^^

Note to self: I really got to control my spending! >.<

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Subtle changes in the journal

I am finally reaching the end of this post! Hahas. I apologise for the emotional roller caster in this post. That was not exactly intentional but as this post was so long, it took several days to complete and at different times when I am in the midst of writing, some people just drop bombs on me causing me to be in the wrong mood to write this important post. In my own defence, when such situations do occur, I would stop writing and engage in some activities to calm myself down. There are days when I am not successful because my mind is no longer in the mood to write, resulting in a total waste of a working day.

In the meantime, throughout the course of this year, I had made some subtle changes to the look of this journal. :)

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Blood, Sweat and Tears

This is without doubt, the theme of the year 2012.

In conclusion, this year had a lot of ups and down. Facing a highly volatile situation seems to be an every day affair to me. On the bright side, I am learning to be versatile, to suit the situation as the situation demands it.

While it may not always result in the best possible outcome, I am always trying. Because at the end of the day, I believe the process of doing so would nurture me, to become a better person.

Thus, I will stand steadfast, and run towards my goal. Readers, know that when you are facing dark times you should not give up. Instead you should persevere and drive yourself forward. Just remember there is someone who is facing worse odds and still not backing down. (that would be me. Opps.)

Time to embrace the Year 2013 and achieve a better tomorrow! :)

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Picture Credits: ~cho-oka

Wreck it Ralph

Secret War Journal[30 December 2012][Spoiler Alert]
Our very first cousin outing! Sadly, my sister, Lera was not able to make it due to some family politics.

Paperman
A short movie flick by Disney Studios which was memorable to me because I was certainly not expecting this movie clip before the actual movie at all. For a brief moment, I really thought I entered the wrong cinema! Hahas!

Despite the initial shock, this touching and romantic clip was very effective in spite of its length.

I think it has such an impact on me because it is touching in that it demonstrates how the power of love (being Disney) can change one's life. Yes, even ruining your career, hahas!

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Ralph? Rah ha ha?
Honestly though, I wonder how Disney was able to get past all the trademarks? There was cameo from Street Fighter, and Oreo!
I really liked the part where the Oreo warriors started to chant Oreo! Oreo! Oreo! Hahas.

Plot-wise, I can empathise how Ralph felt as a villain. You cannot stay a villain too long before, being a human, you feel unwanted in life. That would really cost you a lot of your own self-esteem. Eventually, you just feel as though you lost all meaning in life. Thus, I understand why Ralph decided to jump ship. No hard feelings, Ralph.

What are your initial thoughts when you first meet Vanellope? I felt that the introduction was a bit out of the blue but they make up for it with the comic relief of the encounter between her and Ralph.

Her cloths... are defying gravity. LOL

Forgive me for being ignorant. For a moment, I thought she was the cybug that mutated into a character in Sugar Rush. How wrong was I? Oops. But hey, if she turned out to be a cybug in disguise, it would perfectly explain her glitchy characteristics. :P Just saying.

After a while, I must say Vanellope grew on me. I guess she is my favourite character in the movie. She reminds me of so many things. (Beauty of Disney eh?) She is someone with a clear vision ("Racing's in my code!") and despite all odds ("Everyone here says I'm just a mistake and that I wasn't even suppose to exist.") she does not give up. That's how we should live our life. Sometimes, social norms may stop us in our tracks, making us rethink if this is how we should live our lives. However, we should be unfazed by that and live our dreams!

"As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be... executed."

One of the biggest slap that Disney Studios gave me was the true identity of King Candy. I was an idiot to not totally see it coming. All the signs were there! Heck, the director, Rich Moore even threw in foreshadowing and I was still looking the wrong way. Oh my god, my inference skills need brushing up!

I think Disney Films are slowly deviating from their traditional princess films. (this sounds familiar, did I say this before? Hmm..) As you can see from this film, they separated the romance from the main character cast. (I mean, Ralph x Vanellope? No way, hahas) Instead, the romance comes from Felix Jr and Calhoun, both of which are supporting characters. I do not really like them but I must admit they are needed to reach the ending. Not to mention, the occasional comic relief from them. :P

All in all, I think it was my money to watch this movie. I certainly did not feel that I wasted my money and I would recommend you guys to watch it too. :)
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Hasty Scribblings:

• So what really happened to that soldier from Hero's Duty that was replaced by Ralph? Still in that storeroom? Hahas!
• Why did Ralph not get Vanellope to finish the finishing line instead of evacuating her? (When he knows she cannot exit the game) That would reset the game and technically remove the 'virus', no? :O
• I wonder what would really happen if Vanellope really executed everyone who was mean to her? Hahas! That game would really be broken then.
• Seriously, a main character that can teleport in-game? We need some balance!
• Notice that their clothes never get wet or dirty? How cool is that?
• The scenery in Sugar Rush reminds me of Cadbury Chocolate land in their advertisements.
• In my opinion, the highlight of the show was Vanellope exchanging remarks with Ralph.

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Before watching the movie, my cousins and I went to have lunch at Korean BBQ at Tampines One!

As it turns out, we are not prepared for Korean BBQ. Just finishing two plates of raw meat, most of us were feeling full already. :P

Man, our appetites are too weak. Fortunately, Yuki and I managed to finish 2 or 3 more plates of Chicken Leg meat. Tze Yui, on the other hand, ate more beef. XD Finally, our man, Qi Xian went about feasting on watermelons to finish his watermelon sculpture. Hahas!

Before we knew it, it was almost time for the movie so we had to leave. :O
Time really flies when you are cooking the food yourself. Since meat takes quite a decent time to be fully cooked, you cannot help but feel that not a lot of time had passed when a lot of time had actually went by.

We were almost late for the movie, with much hilarious results. We almost gave up buying drinks though we did give up buying popcorn (also partly because we were too full. :D)

All I can say is, hallelujah for 10 minutes of advertisements before the movie officially starts. >=D