Secret War Journal[Earthen Year 2010][Long post]
Many posts ago, I mentioned that I sort of owe Mr Goh an reflection because of my not-serious attitude for this year's Promos. Well I guess I said I would do it. In fact, I will do it on the very last moment of 2010 before 2011 arrives within a blink of an eye. Hahas.
This post may be very emotional or very confusing because of the nature of this post. So, if you're in the right mind, ignore this post, get the heck out of here. ;)
What shall we talk about first? Hmm...
Since my declaration in that phantom post that I shall not have an official Christmas post this year, let us discuss things that I would had if I had a post regarding Christmas. (Yes, it was purely intentional to forgo the post and not because I had no time.)
This section is dedicated to my best friend. Who better to start the post with other than my best friend? :)
How times fly, as I probably told you, we're finally in the same school. Truth is, that actually made a lot of things easier. No longer do we need to use phones to communicate, wait out months to finally meet up and have fun. Though junior college is without doubt more tough than Secondary school, your presence do help to provide much motivation for me to attend school. Hahas!
Thank you, for being there to encourage me when I was feeling down. Thank you for reminding me to think on the bright side when I felt all is dark. Thank you for reminding me that we're all humans. Hahas, yes especially that last part. You may not be aware but it was you who often inspire me and set me thinking if I did something wrong and allow me to think in other people's shoes which is useful because Mr Goh always wanted us to be able to think from other people's perspective as it gives us an edge.
This year, I'm glad that we managed to set aside time to have outings despite how busy we are from school.
Hahas, I still find it funny that we never once were in the same class. I guess God knew that if we were to be in the same class, we would keep talking like no tomorrow just like how teachers who scold us for talking in the past, disallowing us from sitting next to each other so that we do not talk, how we sent out of the classroom because of the noise we make. Ah, happy memories. :)
Speaking of memories, sometimes I wish school ends in the afternoon just like a few years back and we could meet up after school and chat, just like old times.
Did I mention I miss Fire Rash? I wish we could play that again, I really liked that game. O.o
Oh well, man I miss staying over at your house too. :p
I bet if Mr Goh reads this, he would be frustrated with me because I bet he was expecting another kind of reflection. Well, too bad. :p
Actually, one could say I was fated to go MJC. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but a bunch of us planned to go TJC, with the better ones going VJC, ACJC and NJC.
Due to unforeseen reasons, I ended up in MJC. I can't say I was disappointed in entering MJC because in a way, I placed my faith to God, to let him decide which school I shall go. Since I was posted to MJC, then it means I was not meant to be in TJC. That was probably why I did not appeal to TJC (well, another reason would be because I was lazy? Hmm) when my friend decided to appeal to TJC.
Unsurprisingly, the first thing I did was to check the name list of who was posted to MJC.
Jackie went to MJC (no surprise, given his score)
Marcus went to MJC
Johnston went to MJC (yay, he entered in MJC! ;)
Apparently, quite a big number of NCHS people came to MJC. Lai Yin came to MJC after the stupid smokescreen she set from telling our clique. =.=
Many more went to polytechnics. Throughout the year, I kept wondering why I didn't go poly instead(though I myself knew the reason why but I realised that that point is moot on my first day in MJC...)
Many times, I kept wondering, is my 2 years here worth it? I felt so restless. Something tugs me to a direction but I have no idea which. I felt so lost. I felt aimless. I don't even know why am pursuing in such a direction. It seemed so pointless now. My guilt that drove me for the past 4 years simply disappeared when I entered MJC. What drove to study simply vanished, leaving me feeling empty from the school life I experienced this year.
For a moment, I tried to use sorrow and sadness as a substitute but it just doesn't work. It just.... felt different.
Would poly be a better choice for me? I never considered poly when I was deciding which school to go to because of a simple reason. I guess I'm the one to be blamed for learning physics. After all, it all goes down to one stupid assumption and not seeing everything until it's too late. I can't help but feel that you placed me here for something because you seldom go out of your way to influence things. Throughout the year, I'm been thinking what you're up to but I'm just wild-guessing. After all, you are a master in these, you don't leave clues, you don't give room for things to be revealed until you know it is time. Much as I want, I can't reach that kind of level. After all, I'm just human.
My biggest disappointment this year is perhaps, not seeing your name on the name list. I checked the list at least thrice but your name could not be found. When that happened, I can't say I should feel sad or glad. Darn, I still feel guilty. I wish I could use that guilt for studies but every time I think of you, it's like judging myself. I'm reminded by how much wrong I had done. I'm reminded how naive I was then. I'm reminded how there is a need for control. I guess I owe you for making me see sense. The reason I may feel glad is because of the dilemma of whether I should thank you or apologise you. It's like a crossroad. But I have decided to walk that path, I doubt anyone could talk me out of it. After all, I've sinned. God's Wrath, I would say I deserve my suffering but the selfish me still wish I could walk without guilt one day. A day without things to remind me of my guilt. Ha, I wish.
Joel Stein called this year the year of leaks. (I can't disagree on that, hahas) I would call this year the year of Doubt.
Man, I have no idea why all the year I name are so emo-ish. Hahas, I guess the Golden Age ended years ago.
7 years... everything just went downhill from there. How deep is this fall? On the bright side, it's hardly possible for me to fall any deeper, I hope.
Why a year of doubt? Well, there has been a increasing number of people I know who started to doubt themselves. Some may be valid, some are without evidence. Nevertheless, we should not start jumping at shadows. We're not madman, not yet anyway.
I still believe things will go for the better (for the rest of you anyway). That much, I have hope. :)
Believe in yourself, you would surprise yourself how much I do. ;)
This year, there many difficulties, many challenges, many misunderstandings, but I know you can pull through because I believe in you. Don't lose heart. I know you're afraid of the calm before the storm but you should know that you're not alone in this fight. So don't doubt yourself. :)
--
Speaking of which, yes it is sad but remember:
"that which does not kill us makes us stronger" - Friedrich Nietzsche
Take a deep breath and take a step, you never know where it may lead. =)
Going back to MJC, though I should discuss this at the end of next year but I'm curious about something so I shall try something different. :)
Strange as it is, I look forward to the daily gathering at the atrium every morning. I just wish I wasn't so tired and filled with homework.
But I must admit meeting you guys(Bao Lin, Clarissa, Cynthia, Darian, Eunice, Johnston, Lai Yin, Marcus, Siew Yan) in the morning really helped to stabilise my mood most of the time in the morning. As some of you probably know, my mood pattern sort of scrambled after I graduated from NCHS.
Now longer was I in the good mood from the morning until evening where I go into a foul mood. Most of the times this year, I'm grumpy when I wake up. (I suspect is the lack of sleep or...)
Though it's not every time everyone gather in the morning (missing one or two), at least it helps to well, remind me that I need to look on the bright side of life. I'm not really sure why but talking with Johnston always helps to soothe my nerves. =]
I shall finally reach the point that Mr Goh was driving about. Hahas!
Yes, it's my fault. It was a lack of self-discipline on my part for playing games during the Exams period. It was unwise to stare at Facebook when I should be revising for exams. I should thank Mr Goh for making me realise my errors of my ways and refrain from committing the same mistake next year with more crazy tests accompanying it. Hahas.
I did some self-reflection after promos. I think I had written them in my posts after promos. I should know when to play, and when not to play. I should not have have gone overboard and play as though there wasn't any examinations tomorrow when there is.
As such, I'm proud to tell you, throughout this holiday. I have succeeded in not playing a single computer game for a week, not using computer for an entire week. Not using facebook for a day or two. (That would need work but I'm aiming for the longer period when examinations are coming. ;)
And thus, that explains my unexplained absence from blogger for close to half a month. It's because I was I wasn't using computer for a month and when I came back, I had a lot of real work to catch up to for my a week absence. :)
(which explains my one week of not playing computer games as well. Hahas)
But this ordeal made me realise that I am actually not very interested in games (at least single player ones). That would explain why I prefer to go out and play together instead, the experience is much sought for though costly (and hence not as often). Anyway, I had people to talk to for that week of no computer usage so I felt no loss. Hahas!
Maybe the reason I use computers at home is because there is nothing else better to do. The alternative would be to interact with my family which would be..... yeah.
How did I survive Promos when I was playing like crazy? For that, I believe I need to thank Keller. Keller was the one who came out with the idea of group studying together but he is mostly lazy to organise. But he's the one who brought the idea. The rest of us simply made it last.
If it wasn't for the mugfests by ILM(Johnston, Keller, Darian and Qi Xiang), I would had been playing like crazy for real. But because I went out to study with you guys, I was able to survive Promos. Thank the gods! Hahas!
Mugfests made me realise that though I lost the driving force to study alone, I could still study in groups. :)
Not to mention, it gives us excuse to meet up and catch up with each other. Hahas!
And you got to admit they're creative people, not just smart. Hahas! 3 different JCs, maybe I should invite Jie Sheng over. Hahas!
Ah, I also appreciated Jie Sheng keeping in touch after graduation even though we end up at different schools. :)
Recently, we were discussing what University courses I'm interested in. The truth is, I don't know. Hahas. Nothing seems interesting, anyone has any good suggestions? ^^
If you asking why am I in Junior College then, that's a very good question that gets you no good answers. ;)
Now, let us review the wishlist I made in the beginning of this year! =)
Link:
http://leroyr.blogspot.com/2010/02/jc1-wishlist.html
Well, I fulfilled 9/13 of the goals I made myself. Due to imperfect information however, I came to realise that some goals cannot be fulfilled this year (a tad too late but yeah hahas). It's okay, those would be carried forward to next year. Now is a good time to review them and in the meantime, set goals for next year. Hahas!
Well, cutting those impossible ones. I would be left with 9/11. I'm working on #13 now, I feel that I can achieve that, but not this year, next year. I'm not sure why but I'm like the idea of wearing collared shirts this years. Hahas! Weird fashion sense of mine. :p
#7 should be able to be achieved but the phrasing was poorly done so it's not considered to be fulfilled. That too, would be carried forward next year.
I wasn't expecting to achieve #6 but hey, I did! I'm so surprised when I actually got into a mood to do just that somewhere in the middle of my June Holidays. I was feeling productive that period of time. Wow! I still can't believe it now. I mean, if I were to do it now, I don't think I can even produce a new version, not even thinking about completing an entire drafted product. Wow. So next year, let's draft finish Draft 2 and complete it! (I guess after A levels? Hahas ^^)
Woots, looking at my wishlist now, I feel a sense of achievement. Wonder what next year entails? Hmm...
HAPPY NEW YEAR! (sheesh, it's just one more minute, can't I wish you in advance?)
Another step, another stone to lay, be patience, vengeance would be ours.
June. Where it all began.
