Secret War Journal[Year 2012][Long Post]
Year 2012, the rumoured year that spell the end of the world. Yet 21 December 2012 passed without much fanfare. I guess everyone just got bored of the constant theories that foretells the end of the world. However, think about it. What if it really brought about the end of the world? Would you had regret spending the day 21 December 2012 like any other?
While I always believed in spending my days as though there is no tomorrow, I must admit that sometimes I do falter in that ambitions of mine. There are days when I felt so saddened and enraged that I just spent those days moping around, walking around, reflecting and calming myself down. That seems to be an awful waste of my time (particularly since it was totally uncalled for and unnecessary due to the fact that it is other people's fault. Sometimes, I care simply too much.) Despite that, there may be value in such actions.
I may appear to hang around with friends often but the truth is that I am an introvert. That much is clear to my close friends who realised after a moment that while I talk a lot (of rubbish. :P), I do not often discuss matters of personal issues. I do not open up easily to people. I almost never talk (a few times but it is almost never when compared to normal people) about my screwed-up, broken, rotten-to-the-core family, how I really think, my troubles, my worries, my hopes, my hidden meanings behind statements, who I really like, and my past.
In that aspect, I am not a great friend. I know there are people who find that it is hard to interact with me because I act as though I do not trust them. (which is unfortunately, probably true. I am sorry. Please bear in mind that I was betrayed one time too many, please forgive me for being an anti-trust zealot) It is not your fault. My world is without much warmth. I am sorry.
Thus, while the writing of this journal was originally meant to record my thoughts and memories in my life, it has also, unintentionally, become my emotional pillar, the place for me to calm myself down, make myself coherent when certain people just make me feel down without fail. These are the people I dislike because they go against everything I believe in.
On the other hand, these people are the very reason I have my principles in the first place. I suppose I do owe them one. These people are my so-called 'family'. So-called due to the fact that it is a façade.
Before I accidentally rant non-stop about them (which is not the whole point of this post), let us move on, shall we? :)
In saying this, I might do all introverts an injustice. There are times when I just wished to be left alone. Somehow, communicating with other personalities of me helps to calm me down somewhat. It actually helps to me calm me down much quicker than talking with people in certain situations. But there are also times when I am feeling so depressed, I just wish there is someone I can turn to. Someone I can trust, someone who can give me the warmth that I had so longed for so many years. Sometimes, I just want people to care. Because it seems that I am the only person left in this world that actually cares. I know it is not true, I want to believe it is not true, but it is hard to believe when there is no one. No one to make me feel I am alive in this world. No one with a touch of warmth. Perhaps this world is just my imagination, my nightmare. A dark cold world in my mind.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha
2012, this year, to me, has but 2 major events.
First would be my IDA internship . More details on Reflections on Internship
With the end of my internship came the second which took up the remainder of my time for this year, army.
All good things come to an End
Despite my best efforts, an recurring thought kept popping up throughout a major portion of the year 2012.
Indeed, all good things come to an end. It was a lesson that needs to be taught to be me by God since I always like to pretend good things would last forever and bad stuff are temporary. However, time and time again the reality had shown me that this world is based on balance; And that there is an equal chance that good things will come to an end just as bad things would come to an end.
To me, army is like the economics equivalent of Globalisation. It brought about shorter but more frequent bouts of happiness and depression. Since my enlistment in army, I feel as though I am in an endless roller coaster emotional ride. One moment I could be feeling high, another crying, right after feeling glad, yet another feeling lonely. It was a quick cycle that threatens my sanity.
Times like that, I wonder what I really want in life. Right now, at this moment of my life, what do I really desire? I constantly question my decisions leading up to the present. I wondered on nights why did I put so much effort to enter University only to be in this place now.
(Though suicide sounds tempting, I refuse to go down that path)
Having said that, this year is without doubt a year where I had very little freedom. Freedom in the sense that I am not able to tell in a glance which weekends would I be available. (There are days where I needed to go regimental duty. Sigh, sometimes I just wish they tell us so much earlier so we can arrange accordingly) It really made going out and meeting up with friends a lot harder. I remember there were occasions when some of old pals were not able to attend the outing because of regimental duty or serving some punishment over the weekends. (which is quite common, much to my horror)
Still, I am glad that I had survived nine months in army thus far. 15 more months to go! (Argh, such an enormous number)
Silver lining in that dark, dark cloud.
Despite everything army had thrown upon seemed to be bad, there are some things for me to take away from it.
Admittedly, this is when friendships are tested. This is a moment when you will discover who mattered and who does not. When everyone hardly meets, some will drop all pretence and show their true self. When that happens, you may feel sad but moving on, you should not. It lowers the possibility of being betrayed when it matters in the future. Thus, I, hazard to, say army helps in weeding out liars? And in the process, letting you meet more liars. The irony. Ha. Ha.
And hey! After much labouring and whining, I finished my gunner course! More details here.
In addition, I believe that there are some life skills to be learnt from the army experience. For one, this is a time where you would be thrown people from different walks of life to manage. By doing so, it tests your leadership skills and trains you a life skill to take away from the army.
The Matter of Scholarship
With the Year 2012 ending, I find myself thinking if I should try for a scholarship again. In a way, God had given me an extra year to think it over. For better or worse, I sometimes rather that I already gotten a scholarship this year (I was denied both the first round and the final round interview, thanks to army) just so that I would not feel so frustrated now. I find myself reconsidering the case on getting a scholarship based on several aspects:
1. Performance
Bear in mind that I am enrolled as a double degree undergraduate. A Double Degree Programme is not easy, I am well aware of that. Now, I fear that the phrase "not easy" might well be an understatement. I know people who is currently studying in a single business degree and they are having difficulties coping with the workload. One cannot hope to imagine what would be the workload be like. So the question is, would I be able to cope? If I get a scholarship, I do not just need to be able to cope, but also excel. Can I meet their expectations?
2. Bond
As you may be aware, there are scholarships that offers a bond and there others which do not. If I were to go for a scholarship, it is likely I would gun for one which offers a bond. Yet, I am unsure if a bond would be of benefit to me. With a bond, I secured my future career. However, with a bond, it could be an inhibitor to one's career as well.
3. Will
An important question would be: Do I really want a scholarship? If so, is it for the prestige? Money? Benefits? Experience? Exposure? Fulfilment? If I get a scholarship with the wrong motivations, it could cost me dearly.
4. Private versus Public Sector
Lastly, do I wish to work in the private sector where there is higher volatile but faster promotions or do I prefer the public sector, slow but steady?
All these rattles my mind thoroughly.
Blow my mind away
Just like a coin, I had met many groups of people who question my choice of my degree.
There are mainly 3 schools of thought.
One believes it is a good choice. Business is a general degree. It does not have much specialisation. With a computing degree, I am in a good position to be at the forefront of innovation and packaging the product that makes business sense.
Another believes business is too generic and computing does not have good career prospects. I believe the business part is rather self-explanatory. For the latter, all points to India. It is not hard to see why. Indian programmers are god-like in this field. It is believed that such talented people are killing the prospects of working in that field. This is a serious consideration. Yes, I have the passion but it is indeed worrying that the odds are quite against me. However, thinking deeper. Why do they excel better than others? Is it sheer hard work or genetics? If I were to stick to my initial decision, I would need to work really hard, no doubt.
Finally, another thinks a double degree is not really worth it. Why bother working so hard only to know the chance of success is so low? Why not just stick to one and you can concentrate on one? I cannot disagree but I still have this nagging feeling to take two. I do not know why but I am willing to trust my instinct. It had not failed thus far. :)
Despite all these schools of thought, I am still sticking to my guns. I need a more concrete argument to convince me. :P
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau
A thinning of patience
Sigh, the 'family'. In one hand, I would say I was quite successful in not venting my anger in the social networks. On the other hand, I had also failed. The worse part was that I was so close to being successful. I was not able to tolerate any longer and vented my anger on Facebook on the Month of December. Just barely days from a brand new year. To me, that was kind of irritating. I was so close to achieving my goal! Why did my resolve falter at the last moment. Grr! In the end, I guess my anger management still needs to be improved.
Maybe my willpower is just weak but it is really hard to contain my anger especially when they keep trying to bring up a certain issue. A certain issue that always boil my blood. When I finally calm down, they come cause me much anguish again.
--
That issue
It all began with the Stepmother. One day, she decided she wanted to rent out the room that Lera and I is sleeping in. The issue was first brought up around the month of October (or earlier I think. The reason it is not realised yet is partly because I am not helping in the process, at least covertly).
I remembered the first question that came to my mind was, "where do I sleep now?". Then questions went on to more materialistic things like, "what would happen to my stuff".
Now, a bit of background since I try not to talk about her often. (She does not deserve the publicity) Since coming to the family, she often takes the opportunity to throw away my stuff (of which my grandparents would have a lot of things to say, since they witnessed her throwing something quite personal.)
The rationale given by her was that since I am now in army. I am only at home on weekends and thus we should rent out the room.
Sounds legitimate to get more income but is it morally right? Which parent in the right mind rents out their room when they go to army. I would like to know.
The plan was that I would move to the storeroom and sleep. (I wonder how my grandparents would react since they already view getting a maid to sleep in the storeroom as maid abuse) Sometimes, I think she lost her marbles. But now, I do not think so. This is not a work of a mentally unsound person. This is all planned.
Before I get there,I am also particularly worried about my belongings. I had already suffered one time too many losing a great portion, some irreplaceable, some costing a bomb, some sentimental, as a result of her dumping of my belongings into a wastebin. All on the pretext that it is messy (Yeah like a photo album is messy. Don't make me laugh.) or it is never used (remind me why would I put that cable in a box in a cupboard near me then? Just because I packaged it nicely, just so that it would not appear messy and it is still thrown away anyways. -,-) or because it is just lying there. (For God's sake! They were in my 'in' tray! Those were work!)
At that point, with the assurance that Lera would be moving into a proper room if the room was rented out, the next thing I had to secure were my belongings. I insisted that no one is to touch my stuff. If my belongings require moving, I would do the moving personally. Thank you very much. I remembered the last time, I only expressed that my stepmother should not touch my stuff, she got my sister to do the dirty work instead so I learnt my lesson. No one. Absolutely no one, is allowed to touch my belongings. I do not wish my weekend breaks to ruined by the fact that half my belongings are gone when I return home. If it can be still called 'home' if that happens.
Content Removed at Author's Discretion
I was still able to contain my anger of the absurdity of the plan then. On one fated day, on the month of December, I overheard her saying to my half-brother that he continues to misbehave, she would rent out his room too and chase him out of the house, just like the other two. No prizes for guessing who 'the other two' was she referring to.
Wait up! You would say. It could just be words of spite then, you say.
In the past, I may had closed one eye and believed it so. However, I cannot bring myself to even trust that minute bit of her. There is no trust in the house. The look in her eyes is one that seeks to bring chaos, not peace. Perhaps, when I look at her, I have malice in my eyes too. This is war. Neutrality in the past had led me to nowhere but despair.
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields
Sea of cash
Moving on, for some obscure reason, my spending this year had been quite exorbitant. I believe this is due to the fact that I stopped budget planning when I went to army. I just could not bring myself to spend time updating my budget at the end of the week (I just have to do it daily or I would lose motivation hahas because I would forget what I had spent. :P)
From the rough estimates though, I spent around 3 times more than I had last year. That is a very steep increase. Most of the money were spent on food, transport and bills. A great amount are also spent on gifts. Oops. Despite my enormous spending, I managed to save around $3000 this year. Not as much as I had hoped for but still of a substantial amount to reach my goal to save a total of $8000 by 2014. Let's hope 2013 I can save more! ^^
Note to self: I really got to control my spending! >.<
Subtle changes in the journal
I am finally reaching the end of this post! Hahas. I apologise for the emotional roller caster in this post. That was not exactly intentional but as this post was so long, it took several days to complete and at different times when I am in the midst of writing, some people just drop bombs on me causing me to be in the wrong mood to write this important post. In my own defence, when such situations do occur, I would stop writing and engage in some activities to calm myself down. There are days when I am not successful because my mind is no longer in the mood to write, resulting in a total waste of a working day.Year 2012, the rumoured year that spell the end of the world. Yet 21 December 2012 passed without much fanfare. I guess everyone just got bored of the constant theories that foretells the end of the world. However, think about it. What if it really brought about the end of the world? Would you had regret spending the day 21 December 2012 like any other?
While I always believed in spending my days as though there is no tomorrow, I must admit that sometimes I do falter in that ambitions of mine. There are days when I felt so saddened and enraged that I just spent those days moping around, walking around, reflecting and calming myself down. That seems to be an awful waste of my time (particularly since it was totally uncalled for and unnecessary due to the fact that it is other people's fault. Sometimes, I care simply too much.) Despite that, there may be value in such actions.
I may appear to hang around with friends often but the truth is that I am an introvert. That much is clear to my close friends who realised after a moment that while I talk a lot (of rubbish. :P), I do not often discuss matters of personal issues. I do not open up easily to people. I almost never talk (a few times but it is almost never when compared to normal people) about my screwed-up, broken, rotten-to-the-core family, how I really think, my troubles, my worries, my hopes, my hidden meanings behind statements, who I really like, and my past.
In that aspect, I am not a great friend. I know there are people who find that it is hard to interact with me because I act as though I do not trust them. (which is unfortunately, probably true. I am sorry. Please bear in mind that I was betrayed one time too many, please forgive me for being an anti-trust zealot) It is not your fault. My world is without much warmth. I am sorry.
Thus, while the writing of this journal was originally meant to record my thoughts and memories in my life, it has also, unintentionally, become my emotional pillar, the place for me to calm myself down, make myself coherent when certain people just make me feel down without fail. These are the people I dislike because they go against everything I believe in.
On the other hand, these people are the very reason I have my principles in the first place. I suppose I do owe them one. These people are my so-called 'family'. So-called due to the fact that it is a façade.
Before I accidentally rant non-stop about them (which is not the whole point of this post), let us move on, shall we? :)
In saying this, I might do all introverts an injustice. There are times when I just wished to be left alone. Somehow, communicating with other personalities of me helps to calm me down somewhat. It actually helps to me calm me down much quicker than talking with people in certain situations. But there are also times when I am feeling so depressed, I just wish there is someone I can turn to. Someone I can trust, someone who can give me the warmth that I had so longed for so many years. Sometimes, I just want people to care. Because it seems that I am the only person left in this world that actually cares. I know it is not true, I want to believe it is not true, but it is hard to believe when there is no one. No one to make me feel I am alive in this world. No one with a touch of warmth. Perhaps this world is just my imagination, my nightmare. A dark cold world in my mind.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha
First would be my IDA internship . More details on Reflections on Internship
With the end of my internship came the second which took up the remainder of my time for this year, army.
All good things come to an End
Despite my best efforts, an recurring thought kept popping up throughout a major portion of the year 2012.
Indeed, all good things come to an end. It was a lesson that needs to be taught to be me by God since I always like to pretend good things would last forever and bad stuff are temporary. However, time and time again the reality had shown me that this world is based on balance; And that there is an equal chance that good things will come to an end just as bad things would come to an end.
To me, army is like the economics equivalent of Globalisation. It brought about shorter but more frequent bouts of happiness and depression. Since my enlistment in army, I feel as though I am in an endless roller coaster emotional ride. One moment I could be feeling high, another crying, right after feeling glad, yet another feeling lonely. It was a quick cycle that threatens my sanity.
Times like that, I wonder what I really want in life. Right now, at this moment of my life, what do I really desire? I constantly question my decisions leading up to the present. I wondered on nights why did I put so much effort to enter University only to be in this place now.
(Though suicide sounds tempting, I refuse to go down that path)
Having said that, this year is without doubt a year where I had very little freedom. Freedom in the sense that I am not able to tell in a glance which weekends would I be available. (There are days where I needed to go regimental duty. Sigh, sometimes I just wish they tell us so much earlier so we can arrange accordingly) It really made going out and meeting up with friends a lot harder. I remember there were occasions when some of old pals were not able to attend the outing because of regimental duty or serving some punishment over the weekends. (which is quite common, much to my horror)
Still, I am glad that I had survived nine months in army thus far. 15 more months to go! (Argh, such an enormous number)
Silver lining in that dark, dark cloud.
Despite everything army had thrown upon seemed to be bad, there are some things for me to take away from it.
Admittedly, this is when friendships are tested. This is a moment when you will discover who mattered and who does not. When everyone hardly meets, some will drop all pretence and show their true self. When that happens, you may feel sad but moving on, you should not. It lowers the possibility of being betrayed when it matters in the future. Thus, I, hazard to, say army helps in weeding out liars? And in the process, letting you meet more liars. The irony. Ha. Ha.
And hey! After much labouring and whining, I finished my gunner course! More details here.
In addition, I believe that there are some life skills to be learnt from the army experience. For one, this is a time where you would be thrown people from different walks of life to manage. By doing so, it tests your leadership skills and trains you a life skill to take away from the army.
The Matter of Scholarship
With the Year 2012 ending, I find myself thinking if I should try for a scholarship again. In a way, God had given me an extra year to think it over. For better or worse, I sometimes rather that I already gotten a scholarship this year (I was denied both the first round and the final round interview, thanks to army) just so that I would not feel so frustrated now. I find myself reconsidering the case on getting a scholarship based on several aspects:
1. Performance
Bear in mind that I am enrolled as a double degree undergraduate. A Double Degree Programme is not easy, I am well aware of that. Now, I fear that the phrase "not easy" might well be an understatement. I know people who is currently studying in a single business degree and they are having difficulties coping with the workload. One cannot hope to imagine what would be the workload be like. So the question is, would I be able to cope? If I get a scholarship, I do not just need to be able to cope, but also excel. Can I meet their expectations?
2. Bond
As you may be aware, there are scholarships that offers a bond and there others which do not. If I were to go for a scholarship, it is likely I would gun for one which offers a bond. Yet, I am unsure if a bond would be of benefit to me. With a bond, I secured my future career. However, with a bond, it could be an inhibitor to one's career as well.
3. Will
An important question would be: Do I really want a scholarship? If so, is it for the prestige? Money? Benefits? Experience? Exposure? Fulfilment? If I get a scholarship with the wrong motivations, it could cost me dearly.
4. Private versus Public Sector
Lastly, do I wish to work in the private sector where there is higher volatile but faster promotions or do I prefer the public sector, slow but steady?
All these rattles my mind thoroughly.
Blow my mind away
There are mainly 3 schools of thought.
One believes it is a good choice. Business is a general degree. It does not have much specialisation. With a computing degree, I am in a good position to be at the forefront of innovation and packaging the product that makes business sense.
Another believes business is too generic and computing does not have good career prospects. I believe the business part is rather self-explanatory. For the latter, all points to India. It is not hard to see why. Indian programmers are god-like in this field. It is believed that such talented people are killing the prospects of working in that field. This is a serious consideration. Yes, I have the passion but it is indeed worrying that the odds are quite against me. However, thinking deeper. Why do they excel better than others? Is it sheer hard work or genetics? If I were to stick to my initial decision, I would need to work really hard, no doubt.
Finally, another thinks a double degree is not really worth it. Why bother working so hard only to know the chance of success is so low? Why not just stick to one and you can concentrate on one? I cannot disagree but I still have this nagging feeling to take two. I do not know why but I am willing to trust my instinct. It had not failed thus far. :)
Despite all these schools of thought, I am still sticking to my guns. I need a more concrete argument to convince me. :P
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau
A thinning of patience
Maybe my willpower is just weak but it is really hard to contain my anger especially when they keep trying to bring up a certain issue. A certain issue that always boil my blood. When I finally calm down, they come cause me much anguish again.
--
That issue
It all began with the Stepmother. One day, she decided she wanted to rent out the room that Lera and I is sleeping in. The issue was first brought up around the month of October (or earlier I think. The reason it is not realised yet is partly because I am not helping in the process, at least covertly).
I remembered the first question that came to my mind was, "where do I sleep now?". Then questions went on to more materialistic things like, "what would happen to my stuff".
Now, a bit of background since I try not to talk about her often. (She does not deserve the publicity) Since coming to the family, she often takes the opportunity to throw away my stuff (of which my grandparents would have a lot of things to say, since they witnessed her throwing something quite personal.)
The rationale given by her was that since I am now in army. I am only at home on weekends and thus we should rent out the room.
Sounds legitimate to get more income but is it morally right? Which parent in the right mind rents out their room when they go to army. I would like to know.
The plan was that I would move to the storeroom and sleep. (I wonder how my grandparents would react since they already view getting a maid to sleep in the storeroom as maid abuse) Sometimes, I think she lost her marbles. But now, I do not think so. This is not a work of a mentally unsound person. This is all planned.
Before I get there,I am also particularly worried about my belongings. I had already suffered one time too many losing a great portion, some irreplaceable, some costing a bomb, some sentimental, as a result of her dumping of my belongings into a wastebin. All on the pretext that it is messy (Yeah like a photo album is messy. Don't make me laugh.) or it is never used (remind me why would I put that cable in a box in a cupboard near me then? Just because I packaged it nicely, just so that it would not appear messy and it is still thrown away anyways. -,-) or because it is just lying there. (For God's sake! They were in my 'in' tray! Those were work!)
At that point, with the assurance that Lera would be moving into a proper room if the room was rented out, the next thing I had to secure were my belongings. I insisted that no one is to touch my stuff. If my belongings require moving, I would do the moving personally. Thank you very much. I remembered the last time, I only expressed that my stepmother should not touch my stuff, she got my sister to do the dirty work instead so I learnt my lesson. No one. Absolutely no one, is allowed to touch my belongings. I do not wish my weekend breaks to ruined by the fact that half my belongings are gone when I return home. If it can be still called 'home' if that happens.
Content Removed at Author's Discretion
I was still able to contain my anger of the absurdity of the plan then. On one fated day, on the month of December, I overheard her saying to my half-brother that he continues to misbehave, she would rent out his room too and chase him out of the house, just like the other two. No prizes for guessing who 'the other two' was she referring to.
Wait up! You would say. It could just be words of spite then, you say.
In the past, I may had closed one eye and believed it so. However, I cannot bring myself to even trust that minute bit of her. There is no trust in the house. The look in her eyes is one that seeks to bring chaos, not peace. Perhaps, when I look at her, I have malice in my eyes too. This is war. Neutrality in the past had led me to nowhere but despair.
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields
Sea of cash
From the rough estimates though, I spent around 3 times more than I had last year. That is a very steep increase. Most of the money were spent on food, transport and bills. A great amount are also spent on gifts. Oops. Despite my enormous spending, I managed to save around $3000 this year. Not as much as I had hoped for but still of a substantial amount to reach my goal to save a total of $8000 by 2014. Let's hope 2013 I can save more! ^^
Note to self: I really got to control my spending! >.<
Subtle changes in the journal
In the meantime, throughout the course of this year, I had made some subtle changes to the look of this journal. :)
Blood, Sweat and Tears
In conclusion, this year had a lot of ups and down. Facing a highly volatile situation seems to be an every day affair to me. On the bright side, I am learning to be versatile, to suit the situation as the situation demands it.
While it may not always result in the best possible outcome, I am always trying. Because at the end of the day, I believe the process of doing so would nurture me, to become a better person.
Thus, I will stand steadfast, and run towards my goal. Readers, know that when you are facing dark times you should not give up. Instead you should persevere and drive yourself forward. Just remember there is someone who is facing worse odds and still not backing down. (that would be me. Opps.)
Time to embrace the Year 2013 and achieve a better tomorrow! :)
Picture Credits: ~cho-oka
