Secret War Journal[2013][Long Post]
[Updated on 8 February 2014]
2013 was a really bad year for an introvert like me.
I am not sure if this is true for all introverts but I am someone who needs some time alone. I do not need to be always alone but I do need some period of time to be totally alone. Normally, this is achieved by spending time at home. Just resting at home and 're-charge'.
At this point of writing, I am already on the verge of mental exhaustion. My mental processing power has decreased noticeably over the course of the year; my weariness visible to the observant. I no longer process the ability to reflect on my actions before I sleep, I lose consciousness too quick on the bed due to my fatigue.
I never mention this before but I really enjoyed the times when the rest of my family goes on an holiday, leaving me the only person living in the house for a short while. It is like a short holiday for me too. (Though it can become creepy at night. XD)
I guess I need to frequently do soul-searching and reflect to make myself content. (Strange is it not? I must be a sadist to love to criticise my every wrong decisions)
"I restore myself when I'm alone."- Marilyn Monroe
With this in mind, I hope you will understand why I find this year especially tough for me, mentally. You see, being in a military camp 5 out of 7 days is mentally punishing to a person like me. While it may appear that we can have our own personal space in the office or bunk, it is actually just an illusion. Within each cubicle in the office, we share with at least one colleague. This means there is almost no personal space in the office. In the bunk, the personal space around your bed is an illusion as well. Your area can be observed by anyone in the room and any conversation in the bunk of considerable volume can be heard, leaving you no peace.
While the situation depicted may not seem so bad, it actually frustrates me. Perhaps I am too used to having some personal time in the night, perhaps something subconsciously is disturbing me, I am not sure. To be clear, it is no one's fault. If it is anyone's, it is my own sanity.
Chances are, I would leave the place without understanding why I feel uneasy at moments. It matters not since I have only about 2 months left there. However, it brings into question if I should live in the dorm when I resume my studies. Hmm, food for thought.
"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict." - Jim Morrison
Speaking of holidays, this December, my stepmother's family returned to their home town for the bulk of the month. What was scary was the fact that life was much more comfortable when they are not around. Particularly when she was not around. (I wonder what does this signify...)
I feel less pressured in the mornings
(partly because there is no pressure to wake up before 9am. I do not understand why I must wake up earlier than them. If everyone wakes up at the same time, I am okay with it. However, what is this rule that my father, sister and I must wake up by 9am. How about the rest of them? "Oh, I felt tired so I decided to wake up later", why can I not use that excuse as well?)
In addition, there is more peace in the household. It is not very healthy to the mind when you hear shouting from her, especially when it is really unproductive. I mean, seriously... who shouts at someone at that poor boy who is trying to sleep to get him to sleep?!
Personally, I recovered some bits of my sanity during their vacation. For that, I am grateful.
(Pardon me for this outburst. I am intending to limit such occurrences to only once a year, including SNS. Therefore, this is my only avenue. Hahas. I am not going to let this opportunity slip by!)
Goals Scoresheet
Link:
Year 2013 Goals
That aside, it is time for some self-evaluation!
The final score is 8/13. That amounts to around 61.5% Not a particularly good score. I totally failed in my aspect to renew my wardrobe. That would explain why I performed stellar results on the savings aspect.
I found that it is really hard to shop clothings alone. I prefer to shop with friends. However, the problem lies in the fact that I am in army. When I am free, they are not. And vice versa. It did not help that I was stuck in the camp when the discounts were in full effect. I think there is something seriously wrong with my army timetable.
(It's a conspiracy, I swear!)
The scholarship aspect was an utter failure this year as noted by
this post.
That said, the application window is open once more and I am once more faced with answering those essay questions. Each year made more tough partly because they are the same questions and my writing skills are ever more rusty with each passing year in the army. Fight on!
The goal to getting a driving license was actually not over-ambitious but rather a poor management of time by my part. I did not foresee that the later part of the year would be so packed to the point that I had to forgo learning driving to fulfil other pressing issues. Nevertheless, I should be embarking on this goal once more next year.
Regarding my learning of my C programming, I did not consider it to be achieved not because I did not attempt to study the topic. (As a matter of fact, I did) Rather, it was due to the fact that I only read those syntax rules in theory but did not try it hands-on. I would not consider that I learnt the basics if I had not done any practical work. Thus, it was left unachieved. Moving forward, I should have more time to learn more programming languages next year.
Finally, I decided to say I achieved the goal of being more decisive. I would not say I am now very decisive but definitely more than the me last year. Again, this is very subjective but I believe it is right to say it had been achieved.
"Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A world of optimism and hope. A 'you can do it' when things are tough."- Richard M. DeVos
After the Bad, comes the Good
In a blink of an eye, the year 2013 draws to a close. I really meant it. I am quite amazed that the year is already ending. There is still so much to be done (as seen evidently by my Wishlist, hahas).
Looking back, after casting aside all the mental stress I experienced throughout the year (I almost feel numb to low levels of it already), I am surprised that I had actually went through some great moments this year as well.
This year I visited the USS for the first time.
(Again, I need to check why is the post made private)
This year I visited the Gardens by the Bay for the first time.
This year I attended numerous conventions and live performances -
STGCC 2013,
AFA SG 13, On Wings of Love,
Persona by EML.
(Update: I am dropping coverage of On Wings of Love until further notice.)
Saw some funny exchanges that my friends and I made earlier this year. I had no idea it was made this year. My memory is really that bad huh? No wonder, I felt the need to record them then.
Though I spent most of my weekends hanging out with only a couple of groups of friends, I rather it to be this way. I prefer close friends than hi-bye friends any other day. Hopefully, I have more time to spend time with them next year! ^^
With that, I hope Year 2014 would be better than this year!
"Positive feelings come from being honest about yourself and accepting your personality, and physical characteristics, warts and all; and, from belonging to a family that accepts you without question." - Willard Scott
